Day 3 - Leonnie

Just a regular Tuesday night for Leonnie.

Taking back my power is not as easy as I thought. First of all I have to find it. It’s not just arbitrarily above my head waiting for me to pluck it back and stuff it in my soul. 

The guests this week are absolutely awful. Save for a few past guests that are low maintenance, I cannot wait until this cruise is over.

Day 2 - Erik

My Roommate Erik. What a tool! 

Today I wanted to stay in bed all day. I decided to get out into Venice though thanks to Ryan another entertainment staff member. The day was cold and reminded me of a Vancouver winter. We had a great dinner and on account we almost missed the ship… I was very nervous. I came back with 2 minutes to spare. It was a nice day though. I ate well. I had a good power walk in.

Day 1

Day 1

Started out great.  Really enjoyed the morning. Did the morning show with James. Had a good wrestling match with my roommate Eric - he won. Worked out at the gym with sprints.  Went to the Hard Rock Café. Had a salad. Craved nothing. Ordered a gelato. Threw half of it away. Walked home with Ling the Production singer. Went to bed realizing I am doing exactly what the midget warned me about: my friendship can sometimes be heavy.  

Taking my power back.

My previous post on Friday was a bit morbid and yes maybe a tad self indulgent however it was not a cry for help, but a necessary step to take to stop my self from suffocating in self loathing.

Today, however, today is the day I take back my power. Today I remember who I am. Remember my calmness. My confidence.  Remember my friendships that I've cultivated on the merit of who I am. I think that it’s impossible to go back to who I was before the sadness set in. That’s ridiculous.  I am a different person now. I mean it has been two years. I’m simply going to get back on my journey. Although I don’t have a road map, I am giving myself 30 days. 30 days to clear out this fucking cloud that has been in my head. I am giving myself 30 days to get back to me.

My friend Tracy says if you want to run faster you have to run faster. So I am taking that advice to heart. If I want to love myself, I have to start loving myself and one thing I love about myself is my quick wit! 

To whom it concerns:

To whom it Concerns - a poem by a grade eighter.

To whom it concerns, Calvin’s work will be late

It fell in his pancakes and stuck to his plate.

To whom it concerns, my mom made me write this

But I’m just a kid, so how can I fight this.

To whom it concerns I lost my assignment

Maybe I’ll get lucky; solitary confinement

To whom it concerns, Calvin’s not great with a ball

And guys don’t want sissy friends when cruising the hall

To whom it concerns, I just turned 13

Too awkward to be quarterback, too plain to be seen

To whom it concerns, I am not made of steel

When I get blindsided my pain is quite real

I don’t mean to squawk, but it really burns.

I just thought I’d mention it, to whom it concerns.

I hate my hair. I hate my teeth. I hate that I’m bad at saving money. I hate that I hate the body that I am in. I hate that I am an emotional eater. I hate that I have no energy. I hate that I am in love with someone I should no longer love.  I hate that I am missing out on a life with my friends. I hate that to most I appear to be one big joke. I hate that my insecurities make me over sensitive. I hate that I feel ashamed of who I am physically. I hate that my life is a kaleidoscope of random paths partially travelled. I hate that I forget to live in the moment. I hate that I don’t have someone to share my life. I hate that I gave up guitar. I hate that I’m not good atsports. I hate that my dad and I only connect on a superficial level. I hate the way I left my design firm. I hate how not saying what I feel leads to passive aggressive behaviour. I hate that I’m fundamentally lazy. I hate my varicose vein that has come back. I hate how I allow people to invalidate my opinions and suggestions. I hate how I don’t scuba dive. I hate how people laugh when I tell them I a personal trainer.  I hate how my insecurities sometimes make me feel as if I have to lie. I hate that my relationships with my sisters are not consistent. I hate how gay I act. I hate how I haven’t found inner peace. I hate that I’ve lost my strength.