Crew Talent Show

Every month a different department is responsible for crew activities. And every month said department groans about it. It's a lot of work piled on top an already grueling schedule, but in the end, it is an excuse to drink dollar beers and spirits and drink way past our limit, even I have been known to get really drunk and make out with girls and then go back to my cabin and sing Katy Perry's 'I kissed a Girl' into my hair brush.

Just as Janae, Mavid and I were deciding what to do for the crew talent show, Ling Ling put her head in the door and started belting out Oleta Adams' 'Get Here'.

Ling is the cruise lines only Philipino Production singer. She is very Catholic, very sweet and never swears. I will never forget swearing in front of her for the first time. "Calbeen, what is Dooche Bag?" Because Ling's Fiancee lives on board and holds no position, he has a lot of free time on his hands, so it came as a huge surprise to me why the hotel manager asked me to host the show and not Jason.

Ling was in the same position as the three of us trying to figure out what to do. I suggested doing a Nana Mouskouri song barbershop style. that was Ky-boshed real quick. Then just as we were opening up a third bottle of Korbel I got an idea.

The night of the crew talent show, I was running late. I left my cabin and took the twenty steps to back stage just as the sound technician Mike Henderson a fellow Canadian was announcing my name.

"Calvyn.... where are you?"

I walked out

"Oh, there she is"

Laughter from audience.

After fingering the entire audience for laughing at Mike's somewhat funny joke I went right into the first act: Putu doing a Beatles cover.

It just so happened that Ling, Janae, Mavid and myself were last. I was really nervous, as it was the first time debuting: Trek of the Camel - An interpretive dance in three acts.

It was very convenient that Janae just so happened to have two camel colored unitards for me and Ling (Ling was on my back to simulate my hump). Mavid played the part of the Tiger very well although Janae's portrayal of the Armadillo wasn't as convincing.

Janae, Frenchie (another production singer), Ling Ling and Mavid after the crew talent show. 

Caitlin hates Oprah



Tracy (rt) with eccentric Designer Isaac Vanderflugen -
 Get a load of Tracy's shoulders



When my level one, Tracy Vines bought milkshakes for everyone at the KFC store she managed in the 90's in order to bribe them to wear their hairnets, I was a little caught off guard, I mean couldn't she just yell at them and make them do what she wanted? Then I realized two things: 1) Tracy is not the yelling type except for when she is in yoga practice, or training a client (http://www.fitnessfreaks.ca/) - hold in the anger Fraggle Rock, hold it in. & 2) Tracy knew how to get what she wanted out of her staff with little or no agrivation, even if it did cost her ten dablooms.

Living in the hallway behind the main stage with all the musicians, dancers, techs, and singers, sometimes leaves a lot to be desired. Sometimes, it feels as if I am on Survivor or Big Brother, only there is no ballet to cast, no key to turn. Because I do not drink often, you can usually find me in my room either watching TV or watching a movie, or sleeping, if I'm lucky maybe downward dog, maybe doing some sort of administration stuff...mmm...alright I never do administration stuff in my cabin, but sometimes I will be scrapbook or making ribbon roses which takes the greatest of concentration the point is, I am always busy and filling my free time with productive activities. So it may come as a surprise that the entertainment department is known throughout the fleet as being the most obnoxious, shallow, loudest, drunkest (save for the philipino bar waiters, they can out drink a fish) and it could be becuase every formal night around 3am I am woken up by banging, yelling voices, and generally college age conversation.

for example:

"Oh my gawd Caitlin I love you, you are so pretty"

"Shut up right now, Aleshia, you are so much prettier, and your boyfriend Kyle is soooooo hot to, but i'm not after him I swear"

"s'okay, love is good, love is great, I love, love. I love Oprah."

"I hate Oprah"

"Omigod Caity you can't hate Oprah, that's like sac relig"

"No, I love Oprah, sorry I thought you said Chuck Norris"

"Caitlin I'm so fat, do these pants make my ass look fat"

"No Aleshia, your fat ass makes your ass look fat"

"I hate you!"

"I want Dunkin Donuts"

"Me too"

Too many nights I am woken from my slumber to the sounds of giddy drunk girls or guys who are bellowing out the russian national anthem. Often times I wrestle with the fact that I should call Raymond from security but then I would be labeled as uncool, and there is no way I am repeating highschool!

Meanwhile at the Disco, DJ Bernard is dealing with a pretty rowdy crowd. A male passenger has punched another male passenger after he saw him looking at his wife. Physical violence is pretty rare on the ships, although on the occasions that it does happen, it is taken very seriously. The entire security department shows up as well as the Guest Service Manager. DJ Bernard is a pretty laid back dude from Trinidad & Tabago but when his dance floor becomes empty for any reason such as a punching match between two yahoo's he goes balistic. As security clears the men from the Disco for a long night filling out reports and reviewing security video, Bernard, tries to get the party going again by playing anything but Air Supply.

Up in Jen's cabin the Macedonian's snoring is keeping her awake. She's too tired to shop ebay, but to awake to shut her eyes. She ends up watching some criminal minds, only to find out that I took the disc from the player so i could watch it in my cabin in between rose making.

The next morning I get an early morning call from Jen who demands I bring back criminal minds, I could sense she is a little miffed so I head out to bring the disc back to her but before I go to her cabin I make a pitstop at the coffee bar to buy a milkshake.

Corduroy and A Mennonite

My friend, Vanessa (who I call Gutterballs -Gballs for short) once told me that it is better to have a big personality and get positve and negative comments. rather then being boring and getting no comments at all.

Being docked at Mohagony Bay in Isla Roatan, Honduras is always a treat. Jen says they may not have a Walmart, but they do have an Applebees! My team loves this port, and in turn I tend to cover the daytime activities for them so they could go out and enjoy themselves on the beach. Personally I can not think of anything worse then laying on a public beach.  Seeing old hairy men wearing speedos. I mean it looks ridiculous! Like a squirrel trying to wrestle it's way out of a Crown Royal bag!

It wasn't a very smooth morning, as we were arriving late which means the passengers are cranky and blocking the stairs which leads to the gangway. Years of experience tells me that no matter what I say or what Jen says over the PA system, the guests will not move. Becuase I never hide what I am feeling, I approach the stairway carrying with me a walkie talkie and a slight frown. As soon as I get there an older guest rants about being late. I stand their with direct eye contact until I begin to zone out looking at her hideous T-shirt that says "if you think I'm a bitch you should see my daughter" Ugh what would Dr. Laura Schlesinger say about this. After she is through yelling at me, I take her hand in mine and tell her everything will be okay.

While I was tending to the crowd on Deck 1, 7 Decks up in Jen's cabin she was saying good morning and good bye to the Macedonian photographer she met in the crew bar the night before. Jen had had her eye on him for weeks now, and last night she somehow mustered up enough courage to marinate in a conversation with him for well over an hour. The Macedonian is just how she likes her men: Big, Burly, and Bear-y hairy - the more hair the better. I could not imagine him in a Speedo, however, having been celibate since February 2008 (the month I broke it off with the midget) I wouldn't shy away from the visual.

Mean while back on Deck 1, Chief Security officer, Raymond from India was telling me to keep the guests away. Like every time I find myself in this scenario I have the same conversation with Raymond which goes something like this:

"Calvyn, you have to tell the guests to wait elsewhere"
"I've told them to wait elsewhere, but they won't listen, like usual"
"tell them again"
"No. You tell them. You're security, I am the fun guy"
-cue Raymond's laugh- "You're a fungi?"
-cue my eye roll- "that's a good one Ray."

Mavid (left) and Janae onstage.

After a stressful morning and pretty exhausting day, I decided that seeing that it was formal night, I would make a rare exception and go to the Disco tonight with Mavid and Janae to have a few drinks. I have always enjoyed the Blue Moon martini and hadn't had a drink other than the odd Michelob in quite a while.
Having gotten the predictable response from Jen to see if she would be coming with me:

"I can't think of anything worse!!"

Janae, Mavid, and I headed up to the Disco and after requesting my usual "Air supply" number from DJ Bernard, I settled into my first Martini of the night. Mavid and Janae had already finished their first bottle of Korbel and well into their second. Standing at the bar was Lucien F, an Italian Officer with whom I had been playfully flirting with in the gym. He's married so it is fun to banter back and forth without any awkwardness. He buys me my second and third Blue Moon, but then I leave him to dance to a Lady Blah Blah (GaGa) song with Mavid and Janae. Coming off the dance floor, I was approached by an older lady guest who was dressed like a classic Mennonite (and I should know, as I was raised as such): hair pulled back into a bun with a long skirt reaching just above her ankles. she said that she was repulsed by my lifestyle. I knew exactly what she meant, but realizing that she was an older lady who was raised in a different time then I, I smiled sincerely and told her that I was sorry she felt that way and to have a good night.  I then proceed to drink my fourth Blue Moon. I was starting to feel a bit tipsy but what did I care, Air Supply was going to play at any moment, and I was with my two good friends. When I had finished my fifth martini, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see the same lady. I guess she didn't make her self clear enough before because she said

"I just want you to know that I am repulsed by your homosexual lifestyle"

I looked at her up and down... the poor thing "Well Miss. I just want you to know that I am repulsed by your corduroy skirt"

Good thing Lucien had overheard this exchange and escorted me out before Raymond and his crew came to give me a breathalyser had she complained about me being rude to her.

On the way back to my cabin Lucien and I were laughing and as we approached my cabin, I thanked him and told him that he hadn't had a night until he had a Mennonite.

He rolled his eyes, patted my shoulder and bid farewell.

I wasn't offended by what the lady says. I have never used any part of my life as a political vessel. Does that make me shallow? I don't think so, I mean I have never been afraid to swim in deep waters.