Being docked at Mohagony Bay in Isla Roatan, Honduras is always a treat. Jen says they may not have a Walmart, but they do have an Applebees! My team loves this port, and in turn I tend to cover the daytime activities for them so they could go out and enjoy themselves on the beach. Personally I can not think of anything worse then laying on a public beach. Seeing old hairy men wearing speedos. I mean it looks ridiculous! Like a squirrel trying to wrestle it's way out of a Crown Royal bag!
It wasn't a very smooth morning, as we were arriving late which means the passengers are cranky and blocking the stairs which leads to the gangway. Years of experience tells me that no matter what I say or what Jen says over the PA system, the guests will not move. Becuase I never hide what I am feeling, I approach the stairway carrying with me a walkie talkie and a slight frown. As soon as I get there an older guest rants about being late. I stand their with direct eye contact until I begin to zone out looking at her hideous T-shirt that says "if you think I'm a bitch you should see my daughter" Ugh what would Dr. Laura Schlesinger say about this. After she is through yelling at me, I take her hand in mine and tell her everything will be okay.
While I was tending to the crowd on Deck 1, 7 Decks up in Jen's cabin she was saying good morning and good bye to the Macedonian photographer she met in the crew bar the night before. Jen had had her eye on him for weeks now, and last night she somehow mustered up enough courage to marinate in a conversation with him for well over an hour. The Macedonian is just how she likes her men: Big, Burly, and Bear-y hairy - the more hair the better. I could not imagine him in a Speedo, however, having been celibate since February 2008 (the month I broke it off with the midget) I wouldn't shy away from the visual.
Mean while back on Deck 1, Chief Security officer, Raymond from India was telling me to keep the guests away. Like every time I find myself in this scenario I have the same conversation with Raymond which goes something like this:
"Calvyn, you have to tell the guests to wait elsewhere"
"I've told them to wait elsewhere, but they won't listen, like usual"
"tell them again"
"No. You tell them. You're security, I am the fun guy"
-cue Raymond's laugh- "You're a fungi?"
-cue my eye roll- "that's a good one Ray."
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| Mavid (left) and Janae onstage. |
Having gotten the predictable response from Jen to see if she would be coming with me:
"I can't think of anything worse!!"
Janae, Mavid, and I headed up to the Disco and after requesting my usual "Air supply" number from DJ Bernard, I settled into my first Martini of the night. Mavid and Janae had already finished their first bottle of Korbel and well into their second. Standing at the bar was Lucien F, an Italian Officer with whom I had been playfully flirting with in the gym. He's married so it is fun to banter back and forth without any awkwardness. He buys me my second and third Blue Moon, but then I leave him to dance to a Lady Blah Blah (GaGa) song with Mavid and Janae. Coming off the dance floor, I was approached by an older lady guest who was dressed like a classic Mennonite (and I should know, as I was raised as such): hair pulled back into a bun with a long skirt reaching just above her ankles. she said that she was repulsed by my lifestyle. I knew exactly what she meant, but realizing that she was an older lady who was raised in a different time then I, I smiled sincerely and told her that I was sorry she felt that way and to have a good night. I then proceed to drink my fourth Blue Moon. I was starting to feel a bit tipsy but what did I care, Air Supply was going to play at any moment, and I was with my two good friends. When I had finished my fifth martini, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see the same lady. I guess she didn't make her self clear enough before because she said
"I just want you to know that I am repulsed by your homosexual lifestyle"
I looked at her up and down... the poor thing "Well Miss. I just want you to know that I am repulsed by your corduroy skirt"
Good thing Lucien had overheard this exchange and escorted me out before Raymond and his crew came to give me a breathalyser had she complained about me being rude to her.
On the way back to my cabin Lucien and I were laughing and as we approached my cabin, I thanked him and told him that he hadn't had a night until he had a Mennonite.
He rolled his eyes, patted my shoulder and bid farewell.
I wasn't offended by what the lady says. I have never used any part of my life as a political vessel. Does that make me shallow? I don't think so, I mean I have never been afraid to swim in deep waters.
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