Katie’s Greener Pasture

The girly-girl of our team: Katie

Katie, for personal reasons, has decided to take a leave of absence with no return date. This is very sad for me, as she was just starting to warm up to me. I will miss your freckles, I will miss your crazy English sayings and your laughter, and you are beautifully unique.

Saying good bye and hello has become second nature to any seasoned cruise ship worker. One can always tell which crew members are on their first contract because they are the ones you see crying when their friends leave. It really is a pathetic sight. The spa girls are best known for their emotional break downs when their Italian officers leave to go back home to their wives…what a mess!!

Sometimes I can’t wait to see someone go, and I am sure the same is said about me; with so many egos and personalities we cannot like everybody and then there is a decision to add them to Facebook when they ask you to be their friends. I don’t understand why people ask you to be their friends on this social network when clearly we did not get along. Clearly the chemistry was not there! Desperate! Desperate! Desperate! Again like the spa girls.

Now I know that I am giving the spa girls a bad reputation; however, their reputation has been long standing in the industry, and I must admit that their reputation is slowly changing for the better, in fact on this ship, they are pretty conservative… for the most part.

Right now I am sitting back stage waiting to take off a fly on entertainer: Claire Gobin – Violinist who is doing a Broadway medley.  The ship is rocky and the rest of the team is in the Pasta house. I wish I was with them, but alas, I am back here listening now to her Beatles Medley.  I can’t help to think of how many fly on acts I have said hello to and good bye to over the years. A fly on act is an entertainer who comes on board for two days, does their show, and then leaves again in the next port and unless they are regular acts, it is almost impossible to get to know them. With Claire I met her five minutes before her show, I asked her what I ask every performer: 1) How do they want to be intro’d, 2) What is their last piece, 3) do they come out for a second bow, and 4) Are they married and if so what were the colors of their wedding – it never hurts to get ideas.  That is about the extent of our interaction.

I will admit though, with this contract it is going to be a little more difficult to say good bye to my team because we started up this ship together. As Katie is the first one to leave, I want to wish her the best with life, the best with Steve - her almost fiancé, the best with her gran. I will miss you and as you would say Katie,  “don’t lose the Plop!”

The sickly romantic couple - Katie and Steve 

Ode to Fragolina

Traditions make us feel normal.  For centuries people have been following traditions just to feel an ounce of normal.  Take the Reznicks for example. Every Christmas you can find them sitting at our table for Christmas dinner. Sometimes I will go the entire year without seeing them; however, I can tell you that as soon as they walk through our front door, it is like no time has passed.

Rebecca- the Reznick daughter- and I met in Kindergarten and was directly responsible for furthering my career in the financial industry.  Sometimes we argue and fight as if we are siblings; however, every Christmas like clockwork she comes through our door and everything is normal again.

It’s hard to find traditions on ships. Right now the closest thing to a tradition we have is waking up every morning at 6:30am to lead off the tours and then going for breakfast with the gang! Katie, Christian, and Leonnie get an English breakfast. Well, what the cruise line calls an English breakfast: Heinz beans in a can. John G gets his French toast stuffed with blueberry sauce, but eats around the sauce he also has 6 milk boxes and peanut butter and jelly toast. Melody changes her breakfast from day to day, Ryan eats sausage and James gets a vegan breakfast made up of seeds.

I was talking about traditions to Mia and Juzzy and again they didn’t understand where I was coming from and again I think it was more the third bottle of wine that caused their lack of understanding. I guess that is our tradition: Juzzy calling me, telling me she bought really expensive 4 Euro bottle of wine and then me calling Mia and then her calling Timmy, the musician and then we all meet in Juzzy’s room where she breaks out the Fragolina wine with paper cups,  we turn on Abba and Timmy starts singing “Take a Chance on Me” to Mia – Cue eye roll.

You see tradition’s tell us that we are all on track; that we made it through a certain period of time and are alright.  When we all go home after this contract, I will miss our breakfast tradition, but as I’m sitting at Christmas listening to my sister, Laura discuss with Father Reznick how crossfit directly affects small business while Mother Reznick and Rebecca argue about what temperature to warm the pies, I will be thinking about Vegan James spinning yarn in the forest with his Birkenstocks at every full moon, or Katie taking a picture of her and her guy Steve at every morning before they get out of bed and I will start singing “Take a Chance on Me” to a bottle of Fragolina that I am hiding under the table.

Shann-anigans

Shann and baby Hatim

I will never forget my first cruise. It was on Holland America Line’s Volendam. It left from my home city of Vancouver. My friend, Sarah dropped me off and I embarked on an adventure of Oceanic proportions. Cruising toward Alaska I was full of excitement and angst. I was a fish out water. A fish on the highest mountain peak…the moon!… I was a fish on the moon.

The only thing I remember about the first few hours of my seagoing career is sailing under the lions gate bridge and throwing up over board on account of my apparent sea sickness. And that’s all I remember. I do remember my first night however…

Gary was my first Cruise Director. He was British and the best Cruise Director I ever worked for during my time at Holland America. As the dancers finished the opening number of “Rock the Boat” at the welcome aboard show, Gary took the stage and asked his host team to come out. There we were, the four of us standing behind him smiling like complete morons… boring…so I decided to pose. Every 20 seconds or so I would switch to another catalogue pose: tennis pose, golf pose, there's something in the distance pose, you know, the regular catalogue poses. When the audience began to laugh, Gary turned around to see what was happening, I faced the front and became a smiling moron again as if nothing was happening. He was clearly confused and I, along with the audience, was clearly amused. 

After we left the stage, this crew member from the kids program caught up with me. I remember thinking how stunningly beautiful she was. She had this smile that showcased her teeth and freckles... she actually made me a little nervous.

Shann: I cannot believe you catalogued posed on stage. That was awesome

Me: I can’t believe you know what catalogue posing is.

Shann: Are you kidding, I invented it!

Me: Mmmm… I don’t think you did.

Shann: My name is Shann.

Me: Short for Shenanigans?

Shann: Good one.

As she walked off, I thought to myself: “what a snob” – and she did not invent catalogue posing.

I am so glad to say that Shann Ross became my first ship friend. I fell in love with her free spirit,  her laugh and her quirky sense of self. How lucky was I? My first week onboard I make a friend with a girl who was only on a two week contract (on account of schooling) and I have beat all odds to still have her as a close friend today. You see it is rare that a friendship, a ship friendship that is, translates onto land even after spending an intense 6 months together.

People who work on ships live parallel lives. We have land friends and we have ship friends and rarely do the two cross. Although land friends are constant, it doesn’t make ship friends any less valuable. Ship friends have a special bond. They are with you every single day for six months. They are responsible for making your birthdays special, and if your birthday doesn’t fall within the time you are together, they will celebrate your ½ birthday and they understand what it is like when you are homesick or when you can’t get a phone line out to call your family.  With Shann, she is both. As a land friend she would prefer more communication as would I (I have to become a better emailer), but as a former ship friend she understands… I hope…

A gracious daughter, a mother, and a brilliant wife, is what makes Shann a great human being. Her laughter, loyalty and amazing sense of fun are what make her a great friend.

Hey Shann, do you remember what I said to you when you came into my cabin and asked me who I lived with?

Turtle Sushi Roll

After losing at yet another crew bingo with 2 Pilipino bar waiters taking the $1500.00 win, I rushed back stage to get ready to host the crew talent show. Wes, the back stage manager who has an uncanny resemblance to Dennis the Menace’s dad, Mr. Mitchell, was already getting frustrated with the last minute act and equipment changes to which I reminded him that this wasn’t the Grand Ole Opry. 

I decided to open up with our Capatano’s famous inaugural speech about being magical and how we are all eagles driving into the nest. Yep, driving. Cause flying takes so much energy nowadays? The show was one of the best: the highlights were the casino department and the crew training center doing Burlesque… awesome!!

After the show, I went out to meet some members of the entertainment team. Chris who is the consummate ladies’ man was downing his second carton of Sangria and feeling real good.

Chris: You looked really good up on stage tonight, Calvyn

Calvyn: Oh my god, Chris, you’re straight!  

Katie had her arm stretched out in front of her, taking photos of herself (classic Katie) while Melody was chatting it up to both bingo winners (they only won $700 a piece Melody…only $700) Scotty, the sound tech was finishing off another flask of Southern Comfort and had started playing the musical director’s trumpet…

In the row of seats in front of where I was, was Leonnie and Antenor exchanging stories about their baby turtles as if they were a couple of soccer moms chatting it while drinking wine in water bottles on the soccer field.

Leonnie: thank you for watching Bella when I was on vacation last week. Her shell is getting harder every day!

Antenor: Well it was good that Julio had a friend, although I have to say that he likes his own tank.

Leonnie: Oh yeah, Bella likes her space to. She eats better alone. It’s so funny, the only way to get her eat is if I drop her food in the water.

Antenor: I know, Julio too!

Cue Mutual laughter.

When did we all grow up and start talking about mortgages and turtles?

It was probably the most boring conversation that I have had the privilege to overhear, but it had some sort of sweetness to it. I mean being on a ship you tend to miss having a dog or a cat (the worst pet in the world) and so the only form of pets we can have on ships would be something that you can pass off as sushi, and fish are harder to smuggle past security than a turtle.

As the night closed and certain members decided to have a cabin party, I decided to go back to my cabin and finish season 2 of Grey’s Anatomy that I got from Holly. When I opened my cabin door, I stepped on an envelope. I opened it to find an invitation on behalf of Antenor to Julio’s 1^st month’s birthday.  As a smile crept across my face at the absurdity of celebrating the first month of a turtle’s life, I am reminded how much ridiculousness ship life can get and that, that is not a bad thing. It’s not a bad thing at all.

Julio at his party: Happy Birthday Julio

The Devil wears J.C. Penny

Rose Nylund from the Golden Girls once said “don’t sit too close the opera, it may spoil the effect”. For the most part, that statement is entirely true. Often times people meet their childhood hero’s and expect them to be exactly like their public persona; however that is rarely the case. Take for example my encounter with a rock star:

I had been working at the famed Vancouver design firm Chintz & Company and one of my clients was Canadian Rock Star Bif Naked. She is known for her over the top angry woman punk rock style. She had come into the firm to buy a complete table setting for a dinner party she was having.

When she entered, the Vultures were circling. Because we worked on 100% commission, I had come to affectionately call some of my co-workers, Vultures.

Michelle: She’s mine.

Damien: You had her last time.

Michelle: I have a rapport with her.

Damien: We don’t own clients.

Heather: Do you smell burnt toast?

Like I said as the Vultures circled, I decided to ‘accidentally’ bump into her and find common ground.  Well as anyone knows, my timing isn’t quite right and I missed her shoulder by a mile and ended up knocking over a stone statue of the Venus Goddess. Completely embarrassed and wanting the floor to open and swallow me up, I quickly began to kick the large pieces of stone into a pile. Bif Naked, began to help me with not one Vulture coming by to my rescue.

As we were sweeping up, we began talking and as we talked her bad girl image flushed away and what was left behind was this great girl named Beth Hopkins. A woman who didn’t drink, did yoga, and was a complete vegan who was in bed by eight every night. Not at all what I expected and as we chose out her complete table setting complete with permanent botanicals and an appointment to come by her apartment the next week to discuss Swarovski Wall Paper I realized that I had pre judged her by her public image and I was wrong.

When I first heard John Heald was going to the Fantasy last May at the same time I was going to be there, I was a little scared. Did this mean I was going to have to shave every day and tuck my shirt in and worse yet, get rid of my yellow watch? Was he going to be this hot headed man who struts down the promenade and orders people around? Would he come with his own manicurist and private vegan chef? How do I make the best possible impression on the Senior Cruise Director when he probably won’t even remember my name? All these questions made me feel like I was a guest on the Phil Donahue show. 

I laid awake the night before his arrival to figure out the best laid plan to impress this obvious pretentious man who travels with his private back waxer?! There are stone statues along the promenade so maybe I can break one of those when he is nearby. Or maybe I could tell him about my worst birthday ever when my pony dropped dead and one kid had to sit on him while the rest of us dragged it around in a circle.

In the end; however, I just decided to be myself and the first thing he said to me was “I hate yellow” and I immediately took my watch off.

In the end, my fears were unfounded. It turned out there was no entourage. There was no back waxer, manicurist, or vegan chef, nor would I ever find John in the downward dog yoga position… ever! John is gentle and kind, true I don’t like hearing about his bathroom habits, or his underwear; however, it is a small price to pay to be able to call John my friend.

In these two examples, I guess sitting close to the opera would not spoil the effect because my perception was worse than the reality and that is a good thing!

Bethany & Tuscano Valley

Sarah's and my friendship began when we met working at the Royal Bank of Canada. She was on vacation when I started at the bank and by the time she got back a week later, I had everyone hating me so I was determined to get her to on my side. I needed at least one friend in my new home city of Vancouver, and by golly it would have to be her. To say that she disliked me at the beginning would be an understatement. We started to click; however, when a fellow teller, Razia threw my wallet in the garbage... on purpose!!!  I do have to say thank you to Razia; however, because not only did you give me your OBGYN's number as a joke when I asked you if you had a family doctor in Vancouver and I am glad to say, by the way that I am still her only male patient, but you also made Sarah feel compassion toward me when you let the janitors take the garbage containing my wallet with all of my Scuba certificate cards away.

Over the years we did everything together like crash the bank's Christmas party when I no longer worked there and threw great parties such as "who should have one the Oscars party" the year the 6th sense took home zero Oscars.

Our routine was pretty much the same. After work we would cross the street to her apartment and then go to
Ho rye ya… (Not spelled correctly). We used to walk the ¼ block from her apartment to the Japanese hole in the wall and ordered the same thing every time: Miso Soup, Chicken Teriyaki Don and sometimes an order of Tuna Sashimi to share. We would always be denied a booth because there was only the two of us, making me practically plead on my knees to get one.

One night we got bored and decided that we should create a fake world that would excuse us of our ridiculous behavior. That world was Tuscano Valley.

.  We had soap opera names for our soap opera city of Tuscano Valley: Chance & Bethany Harrington. We of course had our little Philipino friend, Melania, who we renamed Donatella – the only Philipino in Tuscano Valley- and gave her an unfortunate back story of her losing an arm due to a piano falling on her outside her apartment building and she was the lucky one as the piano landed and killed Tuscano’s number one villain, Sharlalala. Whenever ‘Donatella’ would meet Sarah and I at Ho rye ya, we would make her put one arm inside her shirt and talk about her feelings toward piano’s.

I have been so lucky to have Sarah in my Life. In our early twenties we were inseparable. Sarah is one of the neatest human beings that I have had the pleasure to love.

I have always admired Sarah. Her humour and crazy sense of fun; the relationships she has with her sisters, the way she cares for her mom, how she puts her relationship with her husband Andy before any other, and how she is raising two well-mannered kids (very rare).

There are few people on this earth who I have laughed long and laughed hard with: My mom, Debbie Mitchel and Vanessa to name a select few. Of course Sarah is at the top of the list! Her and I can also have me in fits of laughter mostly at my expense, but then isn’t that the best source of laughter, when we can laugh at each other, well mostly me in our case.  Although our friends no longer think of us as the duo: Sarah and Calvin because of my intensive travel, I always long for the days when we can just sit back and laugh about something as teeny tiny as my putting “Fluent in Foreign Money Exchange” & “Called all Bingo” on my resume or how I told everyone at her family dinner that “the passport inside of me doesn’t say earth, it says heaven” which received a very confused look of her father Darcy and garnered a new nickname for myself  ‘Alien’.

It is this day, the day that I always seem to forget, that I want to wish my best friend Sarah, a very happy birthday and to pay respect to history, I will be sending her a Barbie ice cream cake.