The tortoise and the Hair

Kelly Lamarre once told me that if someone said I could not paint then by all means, paint! And I did. And then I stopped. I was really bad. But then I got to thinking if I can’t paint with a brush and paints, maybe I can paint with my words… and if I painted with my words, what kind of words would they be? Would they be Picasso’s? And would Picasso’s words be chaotic and strange?

Kyle G. just after his prostate exam
at the infirmary. 

As Jen B. was up in her cabin shopping for Hello Kitty items on ebay while watching a double hour of the Maury Povich show, I was walking down the I-95 heading to the Mess for the ever so coveted Chicken Finger night. I was meeting the two production singers Mavid M. and Janae L. and having worked all day, the walk along the I-95, the main crew thoroughfare, seemed quite long and I was moving at a tortoise's pace. Along the way I met up with Kyle G. A musician friend who’s bass playing has turned heads throughout the company. He can play a G Chord like no one’s business and currently he has decided to morph his appearance and body into the 1970’s version of Arnold Schwarzenegger with a mustache.  Whether you agree with it or not, it doesn’t matter. In Jen and mine eyes, he can do no wrong, plus he seems to think he has the bone structure to pull it off and it’s like my not so close friends from Glee sing “Don’t stop Believing”.

As Kyle and I turn off the I-95 into the mess we see hordes of crew at the Buffet known as the trough including Mavid.

“Hey Five finger Forehead (I affection-ally call Mavid that after Janae said he had an oversized forehead) grab a huge bowl of those fingers”

“Okay Nana, (He calls me Nana because my favourite singer is Nana Mouskouri) get the cutlery”

Just then Jen rang my ship phone.

“What’s going on? Where are you?”

“Dinner with Mavid and Kyle” (cue jealous rage)

“That’s ridiculous, why didn’t you call me?”

“I just got here, Janae just walked in. I’m saving you a seat, but I sit next to Mavid”

“Fine then, I’ll sit next to Kyle”

“Kyle is sitting with the Muso’s” (Affectionate term for Musician’s)

"You know what Calvyn, I thought we were friends, I want to sit next to a cute guy, I need to get laid"

Cue Eyeroll

Just then Janae walked in and it appeared looking a bit pissed off. She had just got word that the birthday gift she sent her niece did not arrive in time. As it may appear as not such a big deal, when you are on a ship month after month, the smallest thing can set you off if you are having an already irritating day. And having the satellite TV out all day could set anyone off.

I took this as an opportunity to try to make her feel better so as we were waiting for Jen, I was began to paint Janae and Mavid my worst birthday ever:

“I was five…or six or something and my father had hired a pony to give rides at my party…well these ponies are never in good condition… but this one dropped dead…it wasn’t much fun after that…one kid would sit on it while the rest of us would drag it around in a circle…daddy had to get his money’s worth.”

After dinner, I took my dishes to Putu the dishwasher and noticed Janae’s nose on the side of her face.

One Flew Over the Crows Nest

My friend Chris N. (left: in Honduras at the Monkey Santuary) once told me that wearing two pairs of sunglasses is always better then wearing one. As you can imagine, Chris N. no longer works for the Cruise line, however it wasn't because his insistance on wearing two pairs of sunglasses whilst stage managing the "multi million" dollar las vegas style shows would consistently result in a deflated cake dress during the finale. He no longer works on the ships becuase he has different goals for himself.

This situation albeit not new, brings up questions about my own career. I love working on the cruise ships, my motivation ten years ago when I was schnockered and dancing with old ladies in the Crows Nest is much different then it is now. Now I want to become A Cruise Director, and I have to say,  that it is extremely hard to do.

Doing the morning show with Jen B. my good friend and Cruise Director just confirmed that this is what I want. Being away from my family for so long is a definate unnattractive side effect of my career path, but having friends like Jen B. helps to make up for it.

Last night Jen B. and I were sipping on some wine, well she was drinking Perrier with lemon and I, a Michelob Ultra Light. We were preparing the morning show in her cabin, Dexter on the TV in the back ground when Budi her cabin steward came in. Budi wanted to let us know that there would be a cabin inspection in the morning. Being well rehearsed in this senario Jen and Budi raced around getting rid of all the contraban: Kettle, Hot plate, Unapproved duvet, unapproved rugs. lit cigarettes (she doesn't smoke, she uses them as incense) and before I knew it, I was waking up in the morning in Jen's bed five minute before the Live Morning Show, we threw back the covers and we both ran up the two decks to the recording room her fire red hair in my face. Nothing Prepared, nothing rehearsed. Frankly it is how I like to do the shows anyway, and knowing how Jen and I feed off each other I was not to worried. What did worry me though was that five minutes into the show I caught my self in the monitor and realized that my self bronzer which was over applied in the firstplace must now be partly on my pillow. I looked like an extremely tanned zebra! Leave it to Jen, the only british Muary Povich fan in the world, to bring it to the attention of all 3500 guests, or atleast the ten that were watching.

"Your Face is Ridiculous!"

"Well your face is ridiculous to" - alright not the best rebuttle, I was not on my game.

As the show went on, and laughter was shared, I realized how fortunate I am to be on this career path and although I lose good friends such as Chris N. (don't worry, we still talk on Facebook), I am hoping that one day, it will all be worth it.

Hurricanes, Spirits & amulbunny

Some say when the going gets tough the tough get going. Carrying through with that thought wave, when the seas get rough the satellites get smashed.

I am not sure how it happened or what happened exactly, however, during one of the cruises out of Port Canaveral, we were skimming by what seemed to be a Hurricane. The listing was unbearable. As I was at the crew bar having my nightly night cap with Dominica the shopping specialist, Putu was in the formal dining room chasing dish trolleys across the floor while red wine spilled over all of our guests (save for the friends of Bill W).

This was not the first time I have been in this senario. It was my second contract on another cruiseliner: Level one Jayne and I were in the dining room with the chief purser dining on lobsters tail when all of the sudden our ships stablizers failed and we listed 17%  which may not sound by much but trust me when I say it was. The difference between the the time with Jayne and I to two weeks ago was that this time I did not stand up in the middle of whatever I was doing and Shout LIFE JACKETS!

As Putu was cleaning up the shrieks in the Dining room, Rachael came into the crew lounge walking straight as an arrow, as if we were sailing on ice. When a ship is rocking and people are walking straight it is a dead give away that they are drunker then a skunk on garbage day. Rachael, has been drunk for three weeks straight. She is debating whether to leave her husband on land and is sadly leaning toward doing it against my advice to wait until she gets home and out of this insane enviroment. Not only is she ignoring my advice she is debating an email or a phone call. Ending a marriage with a phone call or email??? Is she mad... ? That girl needs to give her head a shake and her liver a break, she is one mess... and as I pour her a virgin rum and diet coke, I comfort her until the latest Italian officer comes to take her away.

While Racheal was learning the ways of Italy, I was upstairs trying to get some work done as we were getting a new entertainment staff the next day and that is when it crashed. Our email system and internet services. Everything gone. Word has it that the wind picked up a deck chair and swirled it agains the satelite. You can never believe what you hear, but it really caused a rucus for two weeks. Disconnected form the outside world. Of course our Email outlook came on, however the internet was in and out until just a few days ago.

My apologies to amulbunny who had emailed me some questions. I do feel bad that I have not been blogging. But all I can say is that I am back and I am looking forward to writing every other day....

Thank you for all the comments!

In the mean time for me, I am going to be throwing Rach in a cold shower and get her ready for her singing set.

Tendering is such Sweet Sorrow

I would like to point out the picture of the week! I have finally had a great snapshot to put up there with two of the most zaniest guests ever! Two sisters: Mary-Kate and Ashley. The man in between them is not me, but a dining room waiter. These two were the craziest, quirkiest girls I have met in a long time and we got on like a house on fire. They had accompanied their mother and a group of her friends on the cruise. Needless to say they were in need of some craziness from me and so we met every day in the library for some scrap booking! That's right Dad, I said it, scrap booking. Please notice the shirts that they are wearing. So much fun!

And now on with this weeks entry!

Anybody who has ever taken a cruise knows about tendering. The act of stepping of the side of the cruise ship onto a smaller boat that will take you to shore. Everyone who has worked on the cruise ship will definitely agree that working a tender operation is long and painful. Especially if that person was schnockered the day before.

The process being long and tedious leaves the guests attitude nothing to be desired. After I have sung every T.V. theme song to entertain or playing the red game or making everyone tell me what color they are feeling, the mood changes from light heartedness to down right treacherous as the Belize authorities have taken two of our large tenders from our ship to another.

Where is the line drawn between hospitality to being walked over? Within the Cruise Industry the guest is not always right as is the case with most service oriented businesses on land. Because we are dealing with far more safety issues then normal, a strong hand must be placed on the backs of the guests who wish to challenge the system. A guest who makes one of our 'family members' cry holds no chance of getting his or her way.

Such was the case with one of the Dancers, Michelle. The scenario was all to familiar. A guest not listening to direction because they are to busy fighting with their spouse or  yelling at their kids for being kids and then throwing a tantrum themselves when they didn't know what was going on.  What would posses this guest to yell in the face of another human being is beyond me, and feeling the need to protect and defend Michelle, I jumped in. Now this is where it gets a bit funny because she had a lazy eye and i wasn't sure where to look. It took care of itself though when she put on her drugstore brand sunglasses on and slung her artificial coach tote over her shoulder and shut up. Of course a guest would never yell at a 6'5'' tall man. That would be just insane. Needless to say the silent punishment for the guest was putting her in the back of the line where she belonged.

Meanwhile, Don has pretty much broken it off with his girlfriend who is vacationing for two weeks and has discovered a mutual love for a dancer, Blanche. Blanche is a nice girl only surprise surprise she has a boyfriend on another ship. Every time she pages him, his eyes light up as if the stars have turned to diamonds and fell from the sky into his lap. The truly unfortunate thing is that she is signing off in a week and then it will be just him...well him and Sue Ellen.

My mother always told me to always muster up enough courage to not talk the talk, but to walk the walk. Well contrary to my mother, I believe it is easier to love then it is to say

The Waves of our Lives

My not so close friend Celine Dion once sang "My heart will go on", and so it was on a ship in the middle of the Caribbean.

Ship life never ceases to amaze me. As much as the scenery changes for the guests... bigger ships, brighter lights, better amenities, the crew always are dealing with the same concerns and the entertainment department, the same drama.

One of my fellow colleagues, My team mate Don has his girlfriend sailing on board. She is in a guest cabin and he has not gotten her a pass to go into crew quarters. This means one thing... he is just not that into her, but Sue Ellen our team mate is and I think that the feeling is mutual. In baking terms this is what my sister Tammy calls Spaghetti Surprise.

On the other end of the ship we have a lead singer with the showband, a beautiful gal of 38 who goes by auntie M. She is having drama with the back lounge tech who suffers from low self esteem by suggesting that he is best at everything everyone else does.

The question is: When is a boundary crossed? The answer is not easily come by. We live and work in the same place. Our collegues are also who we break bread with every single day. There are no bathroom stalls to hide in, nor is there a place where we can escape to for longer then a few hours that people can't find us. We literally take our work home with us and our personal life to work.

But admist all this, I have found Edi. Edi is our crew bartender who comes from the Philipines. He is a general practitioner back home with a wife and three children: a son and two daughters. Finding work is out of the question back home so he is here slinging the drunk crew redbull/vodka's and countless bottles of wine and vitamin water.

I had a chance to talk to him and ask him about his wife of five years. He becomes sullen and teary. He has been with the cruise lines for eight years and is waiting for his ten year bonus in order to send it home from private schools.

In a split second, he is gone to sling another beer over to a casino work mate who has no idea what drives edi to be so committed to the company and I realize how relative our lives truely are. How our priorities are so different.

Auntie M and I have polished off a chilled bottle of red wine feeding each other our own concerns and they all seem so small compared to Edi. In Auntie M's cabin though, our issues hold such great weight.

At the end of the day, I am in the entertainment department and need to embrace the trials and tribualtions that come with it. I have to push aside Edi's concerns and realize that I have to take on each trivial matter of the dancers and musicians as seriously as I want to tackle Edi's.

I just can't help feeling as if i am Bobby Ewing fighting J.R. for a barrel of oil: at the end of the day it's still just a barrel, but at the moment of conflict it is so much more.

Better Late than Swim

My good friends Gary and Rhada Bello once told me: it is never too late... even when you think your ship has sailed. In this case, I knew it sailed. Some of you are wondering if this is me standing on the shore line looking at the ship sail away. Well the clear answer- to the relief of my father- is absolutely not! However it might as well have as this was the view I saw of my ship as it sailed away to Nassau, Bahamas.

The fact that I woke up late the morning I was supposed to join the ship, was not even the most stressful event that happened that day, but it sure got my heart racing! Forgetting the shower, and thinking I could brush my teeth in the car (I saw it done on an episode of Mr. Bean) I caught a cab to take me the 30 minute distance from Orlando to Port Canaveral.

Now, I have always been a chatty cathy when placed in stressful situations, like being in a stuck elevator, or doing a tandem jump with a stoned skydiving instructor (meh...I was schnockered at the time so what did I care), but today, I was praying...praying for a silent cabbie, I was in no mood to chat. Gary and Rhada, who consider themselves to be space gypsies and have studied and taught yoga in India for years, and have even attempted to teach me how to meditate, would want me to take this opportunity to meditate and give my stress to the universe, but with all do respect to the Bello's I would need a bit more of a stronger meditation tool other then just a silent cab. I have learned a type of meditation called Cousin Steve's meditation: so I poured my self some wine from my thermos, sat back, and looked to the sky.

About ten prayers later, bargainnig with Jesus that I would attend several Philipino bible studies if he would just do something mechanical to delay the ship, I heard the most stressful sound on the planet. I heard in the distance the fog horn that told me a ship was pulling out of the port. "Please don't let it be my ship...okay, I will start a bible study in the entertainment department" - I laughed hystericaly.

Ever heard that saying, "So close and yet so far"? Well, I lived it in that moment.

Two minutes later, not even waiting for the cab to stop I jumped out and saw my ship 20 yards away from the dock. Maybe if I jumped and screamed, they would hear me. I even though about hurling myself into the water. Surely they would think I was a "Man Overboard" and rescue me, but then I would be missing my luggage, so I hung my head down low and went back to the cab, and made a very dreadful call. Eight years, and this has never happed to me before.

Head Quarters, forgave me, and could not be more understanding: The next day I took two propeller planes and a long bus ride to reach the ship in Nassau, and I could not be happier to have joined my team. I dropped my luggage at my door, sat on my bed, crossed my legs and started to meditate, no noise, no stress... and no wine.

Down & Out in Orlando Florida

My good friend, Gayle H always tells me: Network! Network! Network! She calls it "Working the Pond" and has written very successful books on the subject(http://www.workthepond.com/books/index.html).  One part of the book magnifies what my mom, Phyllis Pearl has been telling me all along: always make a good first impression only Gayle says have your business card ready when you do it!


I can not tell you how badly I looked when I arrived at the hotel where I am staying until the ship rolls into port: Black Lulu Lemons (which I cut off at the knees... free handedly), a huge bulky blue pullover to hide my grotesque weight gain (thanks prednisone), and a skull cap (because my ears were cold). I am unshaven and disheveled to say the least. I can tell you that Gayle would be spitting out her cappuccino at the sight of me.


And now a Networking opportunity:  you see my contract states clearly that I am entitled to a private hotel room. A room with nobody to distract me with noise or inane conversation that could only be made worse by having to nod and smile along. However when I arrived in my private room, Someone was on the closest Queen bed... and he is watching some sort of sporting event. Absolutely not! Not in my room!!


I come to a fork in the road:

A)  I can throw my entitlement out the window and use this as an opportunity to network with this guy named, Branislav.   (Maybe he is a waiter in the crew mess - it's always good to have a waiter on your side in the crew mess otherwise you could be waiting twenty minutes for simple scrambled eggs). Maybe he is into scrabble. I never leave home without my Scrabble Board and surely I can beat a Croatian at English Scrabble*******

OR

B) Go back to the front desk and manipulate (I mean network) the homely looking counter girl  to get me my own space.


Now I know what my level 2, Lindsay K would do. She would go with option A. Good on you Lindsay K!


My sister Laura would option for B.


My Sparkle™ Sarah would definitely go with option C: quit and permanently stay in Vancouver


Becuase Branislav starting to tell me about his wife and kids back in Croatia, I decided to quickly change into some fancy jeans, run some gel through my locks, slap on some bronzer (who doesn't look better with a tan?) and generously spray some Axe cologne I have thanks to my 15 year old cousin Luke and charm the homely front desk girl who we'll call Ruth.


Gayle would be proud! I got my own room and it only cost me one genuine compliment to Ruth. (Her bangs really did frame her face nicely)


Well all in all it has been a great trip. "A bit" of wine on the plane and some great conversation with some stressed out Flight attendant: (it never is a good sign when an FA says "those clouds don't look so good")


Time for me to sign off and say my prayers. Next time we "meet" I will be onboard....


Please leave your comments and if you haven't already please become followers of my blog!



*****FYI - I am an incredible Scrabble player, just ask my most fiercest rival Marilyn N. She is the mother of Deanna N, who was the most popular girl in high school.  Every Saturday night in high school Marilyn and I would be battling it out Scrabble style. It was a good time, until Deanna came home with all the other popular kids:

Deanna: "Hey Mom...oh hi Calvyn"

Popular Kid #1: "What is Calvyn doing here?

Deanna: "playing scrabble with my mom"

Popular Kid #3: "(cough) Loser!"

Me (trying to fit in) "Did you see the football game on T.V.? Go Canucks!"

HI HO HI HO - It's off to play I go!

Well it's that time again where I have to start packing to go back to work. As I pack, I can feel that strange familiar feeling creep up on me. It is a feeling of trepidation. Every contract that I embark on is completely different then the one before. It is not like working at the bank where I used to work. Every morning I knew I could count on Jennifer Bayer having a bowl of candy waiting at our adjoining wickets or Karen wearing her signature black stretch pants 3 times to small. The familiar faces that came to my wicket (and the faces that avoided my wicket). The same gray and blue walls, the same weekly goal setting meetings. The only thing that did change at the bank was the date stamp! Contrary to bank, with the start of every new contract: different ship, different decor, different itinerary, different crew. What I do know about this contract:  I will be working on two vessels. The first I will be reunited with my friend Chicken, the second vessel my very good friend and Cruise Director JB; both from the United Kingdom.

As I pack I think of some of the people I will miss. If you will just bare with me for a rare self indulgent moment as I name a few:

I will miss my mom, Phyllis Pearl who has a huge piece of real estate in my heart. I will miss my Big Brother posse Steve who keeps my wine glass full and his wife Karen who has given up her ruffled purple collar! I will miss their children: Ryan, Luke, and Jamie. I will miss my Kia Rio and miss the crazy bead lady who owns the one and only bead store in the town where my mom resides. I will miss the One eyed Pirate and her cackle and the one she is HAPPILY married to: Chad. I will look forward to my sister Tammy's care packages and all of my sister Laura's advice on how to make my blog reach a wider audience.

Now that I have gotten all my peeps out of the way I hope that you all become followers of my blog! I will see you all in ten days with my first chronicle on board a vessel on the high seas!