Faggot

Today a guest wearing a Cowboys sweater yelled in my face, ‘faggot’! I wasn’t expecting it and I was surprised at how it shook my insides. I was so caught off guard I just said ‘I’m sorry?’ like I wanted him to repeat it. He then followed it up by saying that my feminine voice was making him and his wife uneasy…What does that even mean?!? I mean I don’t even speak with a lisp… but I was a low alto in concert choir in high school… ahh how proud my dad must’ve been.

The Sterns

They’re here…. They’re loud, they’re opinionated, and they’re coming to a ship near me! Actually they are already here and I am always very excited to see the Sterns. They are a family of four that sail with me and every time I see them on my ship I know my week will be that much more interesting.

Day 3 - Leonnie

Just a regular Tuesday night for Leonnie.

Taking back my power is not as easy as I thought. First of all I have to find it. It’s not just arbitrarily above my head waiting for me to pluck it back and stuff it in my soul. 

The guests this week are absolutely awful. Save for a few past guests that are low maintenance, I cannot wait until this cruise is over.

Day 2 - Erik

My Roommate Erik. What a tool! 

Today I wanted to stay in bed all day. I decided to get out into Venice though thanks to Ryan another entertainment staff member. The day was cold and reminded me of a Vancouver winter. We had a great dinner and on account we almost missed the ship… I was very nervous. I came back with 2 minutes to spare. It was a nice day though. I ate well. I had a good power walk in.

Day 1

Day 1

Started out great.  Really enjoyed the morning. Did the morning show with James. Had a good wrestling match with my roommate Eric - he won. Worked out at the gym with sprints.  Went to the Hard Rock Café. Had a salad. Craved nothing. Ordered a gelato. Threw half of it away. Walked home with Ling the Production singer. Went to bed realizing I am doing exactly what the midget warned me about: my friendship can sometimes be heavy.  

Taking my power back.

My previous post on Friday was a bit morbid and yes maybe a tad self indulgent however it was not a cry for help, but a necessary step to take to stop my self from suffocating in self loathing.

Today, however, today is the day I take back my power. Today I remember who I am. Remember my calmness. My confidence.  Remember my friendships that I've cultivated on the merit of who I am. I think that it’s impossible to go back to who I was before the sadness set in. That’s ridiculous.  I am a different person now. I mean it has been two years. I’m simply going to get back on my journey. Although I don’t have a road map, I am giving myself 30 days. 30 days to clear out this fucking cloud that has been in my head. I am giving myself 30 days to get back to me.

My friend Tracy says if you want to run faster you have to run faster. So I am taking that advice to heart. If I want to love myself, I have to start loving myself and one thing I love about myself is my quick wit! 

To whom it concerns:

To whom it Concerns - a poem by a grade eighter.

To whom it concerns, Calvin’s work will be late

It fell in his pancakes and stuck to his plate.

To whom it concerns, my mom made me write this

But I’m just a kid, so how can I fight this.

To whom it concerns I lost my assignment

Maybe I’ll get lucky; solitary confinement

To whom it concerns, Calvin’s not great with a ball

And guys don’t want sissy friends when cruising the hall

To whom it concerns, I just turned 13

Too awkward to be quarterback, too plain to be seen

To whom it concerns, I am not made of steel

When I get blindsided my pain is quite real

I don’t mean to squawk, but it really burns.

I just thought I’d mention it, to whom it concerns.

I hate my hair. I hate my teeth. I hate that I’m bad at saving money. I hate that I hate the body that I am in. I hate that I am an emotional eater. I hate that I have no energy. I hate that I am in love with someone I should no longer love.  I hate that I am missing out on a life with my friends. I hate that to most I appear to be one big joke. I hate that my insecurities make me over sensitive. I hate that I feel ashamed of who I am physically. I hate that my life is a kaleidoscope of random paths partially travelled. I hate that I forget to live in the moment. I hate that I don’t have someone to share my life. I hate that I gave up guitar. I hate that I’m not good atsports. I hate that my dad and I only connect on a superficial level. I hate the way I left my design firm. I hate how not saying what I feel leads to passive aggressive behaviour. I hate that I’m fundamentally lazy. I hate my varicose vein that has come back. I hate how I allow people to invalidate my opinions and suggestions. I hate how I don’t scuba dive. I hate how people laugh when I tell them I a personal trainer.  I hate how my insecurities sometimes make me feel as if I have to lie. I hate that my relationships with my sisters are not consistent. I hate how gay I act. I hate how I haven’t found inner peace. I hate that I’ve lost my strength. 

I can be sensitive too

As Melody and I walked through the ship swanning* I realized that I was in no mood to talk to guests.

Juzzy is gone for two weeks and I miss her terribly. I also miss Mia who is wrapped up in Timmy the musician, whom I have been at odds with for some reason - It probably is in my head and Timmy will call me in my cabin to talk 'man to man' any time now.

Maybe he took a little offence to me calling him a garden gnome and Papa Smurf. Fair enough.  I have since stopped calling him that and refrained from calling him Willow, just in case and settled on just Timmy.

At any rate it has been a pretty lonely week so Melody and I have hung out a lot. We pull pranks on Big Daddy for instance, instead of heating his coffee to precisely 118 degrees, we only heat it up to 115 degrees and instead of 3 Splenda’s we put in two. Oh we laughed and laughed and laughed. Just yesterday we phoned the captain and pretended to be an Indian security officer asking him to report to the security office. Yeah, we got in a bit of hot water for that one but it was hilarious. We also bought a book of insults and used them on each other:

Here are some of our favourites:

Cancel my subscription, I cannot deal with your issues

Can I borrow your face ‘cause my ass is going on vacation

You must be what a relapse looks like

You’re such a smart ass, I bet you could sit on a carton of ice cream and tell what flavour it is.

Where’s you hear that-on a blog?

You’re dark and handsome. When it’s dark you’re handsome

Really? You “could care less”?

Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever

I don’t like you- and I always will

Baggage is one thing, steamer trunks are another.

As we delightfully overuse them with each other doubled over in laughter I feel fortunate to have Melody to laugh with. Tonight she is going to bring over Top Gun and we are going to wear our aviators and drink wine. This time she said I could play Maverick and she can play the sexy instructor.

*Swanning is walking down the promenade or any public deck waving at guests and nodding. 

Unicorns to the Rescue

Being awoken in the middle of the night by the familiar guttural noise of the engines stopping I darted out of bed attempting to see what was going on. As I put on my white crocs and threw on a slightly oversized sweater I opened my cabin door to see if there was anyone else who was vibrated awake when we should have been dreaming of unicorns wearing leather, playing in a rock band.

Looking down the corridor I spotted the matted blonde nest that was Kendall’s hair!

Whispering:

Me: Kendall

Kendall: What is that Cal?

Me: I’m not sure; it sounds like we’re stopping.

Just then the thinnest dancer poked her head out of her cabin

Chelsea: is it an iceberg?

Me: No, but if we’re sinking I’ll throw you a Cheerio.

As Kendall, Chelsea and I made our way out to Deck 4 where the Lifeboats are, crew were congregating and the familiar voice of our Leader, Big Daddy, was over the PA explaining what was happening and all of the sudden I got a feeling that we were not alone. I saw an intense beam of light from where, I do not know. Following it down into the cold Mediterranean waters I saw a powerless boat being thrashed by the waves.

Looking closely the Bridge shining his spotlight on this tiny vessel revealed a family onboard unwilling to leave their small craft behind. Our captain brilliantly positioned our ship perpendicular to the waves in order to help their boat with the crashing waves.

All in all it took four hours for the Spanish coast guard to come to the rescue of the family who was stranded off the coast of Marseilles; however Chelsea, Kendall, and I were long gone before that as we decided to ditch the excitement to go to the Pizza Bar to share a pie and a bottle of wine.

The next morning Juzzy, Mia and I went out for ‘coffee’ in Monaco and as we poured a second bottle of wine I tried to explain what happened just hours before.

Mia: Why didn’t we just tow their boat behind the ship?

Almost time for bed as I had not had a chance to get to bed since being woken up by the engines, I went down the guest services to collect letters that guests have written to Big Daddy when I saw him talking to a ‘little person’ who I found out later was complaining that Big Daddy called mini golf, midget golf by mistake. As the ‘little person’ left, I went up and asked John about it.

Me: What was that all about?

Big Daddy: He’s not happy.

Me: Which one is he then?

Being witty when I was so tired made me think that maybe I wasn’t as tired as I thought so I went down to Juzzy’s room with a bottle of Fragolina to drink; however sooner than later I was in a slumber in her bed tapping her with my foot to the beats of a Unicorn Rock Band.

Katie’s Greener Pasture

The girly-girl of our team: Katie

Katie, for personal reasons, has decided to take a leave of absence with no return date. This is very sad for me, as she was just starting to warm up to me. I will miss your freckles, I will miss your crazy English sayings and your laughter, and you are beautifully unique.

Saying good bye and hello has become second nature to any seasoned cruise ship worker. One can always tell which crew members are on their first contract because they are the ones you see crying when their friends leave. It really is a pathetic sight. The spa girls are best known for their emotional break downs when their Italian officers leave to go back home to their wives…what a mess!!

Sometimes I can’t wait to see someone go, and I am sure the same is said about me; with so many egos and personalities we cannot like everybody and then there is a decision to add them to Facebook when they ask you to be their friends. I don’t understand why people ask you to be their friends on this social network when clearly we did not get along. Clearly the chemistry was not there! Desperate! Desperate! Desperate! Again like the spa girls.

Now I know that I am giving the spa girls a bad reputation; however, their reputation has been long standing in the industry, and I must admit that their reputation is slowly changing for the better, in fact on this ship, they are pretty conservative… for the most part.

Right now I am sitting back stage waiting to take off a fly on entertainer: Claire Gobin – Violinist who is doing a Broadway medley.  The ship is rocky and the rest of the team is in the Pasta house. I wish I was with them, but alas, I am back here listening now to her Beatles Medley.  I can’t help to think of how many fly on acts I have said hello to and good bye to over the years. A fly on act is an entertainer who comes on board for two days, does their show, and then leaves again in the next port and unless they are regular acts, it is almost impossible to get to know them. With Claire I met her five minutes before her show, I asked her what I ask every performer: 1) How do they want to be intro’d, 2) What is their last piece, 3) do they come out for a second bow, and 4) Are they married and if so what were the colors of their wedding – it never hurts to get ideas.  That is about the extent of our interaction.

I will admit though, with this contract it is going to be a little more difficult to say good bye to my team because we started up this ship together. As Katie is the first one to leave, I want to wish her the best with life, the best with Steve - her almost fiancé, the best with her gran. I will miss you and as you would say Katie,  “don’t lose the Plop!”

The sickly romantic couple - Katie and Steve 

Ode to Fragolina

Traditions make us feel normal.  For centuries people have been following traditions just to feel an ounce of normal.  Take the Reznicks for example. Every Christmas you can find them sitting at our table for Christmas dinner. Sometimes I will go the entire year without seeing them; however, I can tell you that as soon as they walk through our front door, it is like no time has passed.

Rebecca- the Reznick daughter- and I met in Kindergarten and was directly responsible for furthering my career in the financial industry.  Sometimes we argue and fight as if we are siblings; however, every Christmas like clockwork she comes through our door and everything is normal again.

It’s hard to find traditions on ships. Right now the closest thing to a tradition we have is waking up every morning at 6:30am to lead off the tours and then going for breakfast with the gang! Katie, Christian, and Leonnie get an English breakfast. Well, what the cruise line calls an English breakfast: Heinz beans in a can. John G gets his French toast stuffed with blueberry sauce, but eats around the sauce he also has 6 milk boxes and peanut butter and jelly toast. Melody changes her breakfast from day to day, Ryan eats sausage and James gets a vegan breakfast made up of seeds.

I was talking about traditions to Mia and Juzzy and again they didn’t understand where I was coming from and again I think it was more the third bottle of wine that caused their lack of understanding. I guess that is our tradition: Juzzy calling me, telling me she bought really expensive 4 Euro bottle of wine and then me calling Mia and then her calling Timmy, the musician and then we all meet in Juzzy’s room where she breaks out the Fragolina wine with paper cups,  we turn on Abba and Timmy starts singing “Take a Chance on Me” to Mia – Cue eye roll.

You see tradition’s tell us that we are all on track; that we made it through a certain period of time and are alright.  When we all go home after this contract, I will miss our breakfast tradition, but as I’m sitting at Christmas listening to my sister, Laura discuss with Father Reznick how crossfit directly affects small business while Mother Reznick and Rebecca argue about what temperature to warm the pies, I will be thinking about Vegan James spinning yarn in the forest with his Birkenstocks at every full moon, or Katie taking a picture of her and her guy Steve at every morning before they get out of bed and I will start singing “Take a Chance on Me” to a bottle of Fragolina that I am hiding under the table.

Shann-anigans

Shann and baby Hatim

I will never forget my first cruise. It was on Holland America Line’s Volendam. It left from my home city of Vancouver. My friend, Sarah dropped me off and I embarked on an adventure of Oceanic proportions. Cruising toward Alaska I was full of excitement and angst. I was a fish out water. A fish on the highest mountain peak…the moon!… I was a fish on the moon.

The only thing I remember about the first few hours of my seagoing career is sailing under the lions gate bridge and throwing up over board on account of my apparent sea sickness. And that’s all I remember. I do remember my first night however…

Gary was my first Cruise Director. He was British and the best Cruise Director I ever worked for during my time at Holland America. As the dancers finished the opening number of “Rock the Boat” at the welcome aboard show, Gary took the stage and asked his host team to come out. There we were, the four of us standing behind him smiling like complete morons… boring…so I decided to pose. Every 20 seconds or so I would switch to another catalogue pose: tennis pose, golf pose, there's something in the distance pose, you know, the regular catalogue poses. When the audience began to laugh, Gary turned around to see what was happening, I faced the front and became a smiling moron again as if nothing was happening. He was clearly confused and I, along with the audience, was clearly amused. 

After we left the stage, this crew member from the kids program caught up with me. I remember thinking how stunningly beautiful she was. She had this smile that showcased her teeth and freckles... she actually made me a little nervous.

Shann: I cannot believe you catalogued posed on stage. That was awesome

Me: I can’t believe you know what catalogue posing is.

Shann: Are you kidding, I invented it!

Me: Mmmm… I don’t think you did.

Shann: My name is Shann.

Me: Short for Shenanigans?

Shann: Good one.

As she walked off, I thought to myself: “what a snob” – and she did not invent catalogue posing.

I am so glad to say that Shann Ross became my first ship friend. I fell in love with her free spirit,  her laugh and her quirky sense of self. How lucky was I? My first week onboard I make a friend with a girl who was only on a two week contract (on account of schooling) and I have beat all odds to still have her as a close friend today. You see it is rare that a friendship, a ship friendship that is, translates onto land even after spending an intense 6 months together.

People who work on ships live parallel lives. We have land friends and we have ship friends and rarely do the two cross. Although land friends are constant, it doesn’t make ship friends any less valuable. Ship friends have a special bond. They are with you every single day for six months. They are responsible for making your birthdays special, and if your birthday doesn’t fall within the time you are together, they will celebrate your ½ birthday and they understand what it is like when you are homesick or when you can’t get a phone line out to call your family.  With Shann, she is both. As a land friend she would prefer more communication as would I (I have to become a better emailer), but as a former ship friend she understands… I hope…

A gracious daughter, a mother, and a brilliant wife, is what makes Shann a great human being. Her laughter, loyalty and amazing sense of fun are what make her a great friend.

Hey Shann, do you remember what I said to you when you came into my cabin and asked me who I lived with?

Turtle Sushi Roll

After losing at yet another crew bingo with 2 Pilipino bar waiters taking the $1500.00 win, I rushed back stage to get ready to host the crew talent show. Wes, the back stage manager who has an uncanny resemblance to Dennis the Menace’s dad, Mr. Mitchell, was already getting frustrated with the last minute act and equipment changes to which I reminded him that this wasn’t the Grand Ole Opry. 

I decided to open up with our Capatano’s famous inaugural speech about being magical and how we are all eagles driving into the nest. Yep, driving. Cause flying takes so much energy nowadays? The show was one of the best: the highlights were the casino department and the crew training center doing Burlesque… awesome!!

After the show, I went out to meet some members of the entertainment team. Chris who is the consummate ladies’ man was downing his second carton of Sangria and feeling real good.

Chris: You looked really good up on stage tonight, Calvyn

Calvyn: Oh my god, Chris, you’re straight!  

Katie had her arm stretched out in front of her, taking photos of herself (classic Katie) while Melody was chatting it up to both bingo winners (they only won $700 a piece Melody…only $700) Scotty, the sound tech was finishing off another flask of Southern Comfort and had started playing the musical director’s trumpet…

In the row of seats in front of where I was, was Leonnie and Antenor exchanging stories about their baby turtles as if they were a couple of soccer moms chatting it while drinking wine in water bottles on the soccer field.

Leonnie: thank you for watching Bella when I was on vacation last week. Her shell is getting harder every day!

Antenor: Well it was good that Julio had a friend, although I have to say that he likes his own tank.

Leonnie: Oh yeah, Bella likes her space to. She eats better alone. It’s so funny, the only way to get her eat is if I drop her food in the water.

Antenor: I know, Julio too!

Cue Mutual laughter.

When did we all grow up and start talking about mortgages and turtles?

It was probably the most boring conversation that I have had the privilege to overhear, but it had some sort of sweetness to it. I mean being on a ship you tend to miss having a dog or a cat (the worst pet in the world) and so the only form of pets we can have on ships would be something that you can pass off as sushi, and fish are harder to smuggle past security than a turtle.

As the night closed and certain members decided to have a cabin party, I decided to go back to my cabin and finish season 2 of Grey’s Anatomy that I got from Holly. When I opened my cabin door, I stepped on an envelope. I opened it to find an invitation on behalf of Antenor to Julio’s 1^st month’s birthday.  As a smile crept across my face at the absurdity of celebrating the first month of a turtle’s life, I am reminded how much ridiculousness ship life can get and that, that is not a bad thing. It’s not a bad thing at all.

Julio at his party: Happy Birthday Julio

The Devil wears J.C. Penny

Rose Nylund from the Golden Girls once said “don’t sit too close the opera, it may spoil the effect”. For the most part, that statement is entirely true. Often times people meet their childhood hero’s and expect them to be exactly like their public persona; however that is rarely the case. Take for example my encounter with a rock star:

I had been working at the famed Vancouver design firm Chintz & Company and one of my clients was Canadian Rock Star Bif Naked. She is known for her over the top angry woman punk rock style. She had come into the firm to buy a complete table setting for a dinner party she was having.

When she entered, the Vultures were circling. Because we worked on 100% commission, I had come to affectionately call some of my co-workers, Vultures.

Michelle: She’s mine.

Damien: You had her last time.

Michelle: I have a rapport with her.

Damien: We don’t own clients.

Heather: Do you smell burnt toast?

Like I said as the Vultures circled, I decided to ‘accidentally’ bump into her and find common ground.  Well as anyone knows, my timing isn’t quite right and I missed her shoulder by a mile and ended up knocking over a stone statue of the Venus Goddess. Completely embarrassed and wanting the floor to open and swallow me up, I quickly began to kick the large pieces of stone into a pile. Bif Naked, began to help me with not one Vulture coming by to my rescue.

As we were sweeping up, we began talking and as we talked her bad girl image flushed away and what was left behind was this great girl named Beth Hopkins. A woman who didn’t drink, did yoga, and was a complete vegan who was in bed by eight every night. Not at all what I expected and as we chose out her complete table setting complete with permanent botanicals and an appointment to come by her apartment the next week to discuss Swarovski Wall Paper I realized that I had pre judged her by her public image and I was wrong.

When I first heard John Heald was going to the Fantasy last May at the same time I was going to be there, I was a little scared. Did this mean I was going to have to shave every day and tuck my shirt in and worse yet, get rid of my yellow watch? Was he going to be this hot headed man who struts down the promenade and orders people around? Would he come with his own manicurist and private vegan chef? How do I make the best possible impression on the Senior Cruise Director when he probably won’t even remember my name? All these questions made me feel like I was a guest on the Phil Donahue show. 

I laid awake the night before his arrival to figure out the best laid plan to impress this obvious pretentious man who travels with his private back waxer?! There are stone statues along the promenade so maybe I can break one of those when he is nearby. Or maybe I could tell him about my worst birthday ever when my pony dropped dead and one kid had to sit on him while the rest of us dragged it around in a circle.

In the end; however, I just decided to be myself and the first thing he said to me was “I hate yellow” and I immediately took my watch off.

In the end, my fears were unfounded. It turned out there was no entourage. There was no back waxer, manicurist, or vegan chef, nor would I ever find John in the downward dog yoga position… ever! John is gentle and kind, true I don’t like hearing about his bathroom habits, or his underwear; however, it is a small price to pay to be able to call John my friend.

In these two examples, I guess sitting close to the opera would not spoil the effect because my perception was worse than the reality and that is a good thing!

Bethany & Tuscano Valley

Sarah's and my friendship began when we met working at the Royal Bank of Canada. She was on vacation when I started at the bank and by the time she got back a week later, I had everyone hating me so I was determined to get her to on my side. I needed at least one friend in my new home city of Vancouver, and by golly it would have to be her. To say that she disliked me at the beginning would be an understatement. We started to click; however, when a fellow teller, Razia threw my wallet in the garbage... on purpose!!!  I do have to say thank you to Razia; however, because not only did you give me your OBGYN's number as a joke when I asked you if you had a family doctor in Vancouver and I am glad to say, by the way that I am still her only male patient, but you also made Sarah feel compassion toward me when you let the janitors take the garbage containing my wallet with all of my Scuba certificate cards away.

Over the years we did everything together like crash the bank's Christmas party when I no longer worked there and threw great parties such as "who should have one the Oscars party" the year the 6th sense took home zero Oscars.

Our routine was pretty much the same. After work we would cross the street to her apartment and then go to
Ho rye ya… (Not spelled correctly). We used to walk the ¼ block from her apartment to the Japanese hole in the wall and ordered the same thing every time: Miso Soup, Chicken Teriyaki Don and sometimes an order of Tuna Sashimi to share. We would always be denied a booth because there was only the two of us, making me practically plead on my knees to get one.

One night we got bored and decided that we should create a fake world that would excuse us of our ridiculous behavior. That world was Tuscano Valley.

.  We had soap opera names for our soap opera city of Tuscano Valley: Chance & Bethany Harrington. We of course had our little Philipino friend, Melania, who we renamed Donatella – the only Philipino in Tuscano Valley- and gave her an unfortunate back story of her losing an arm due to a piano falling on her outside her apartment building and she was the lucky one as the piano landed and killed Tuscano’s number one villain, Sharlalala. Whenever ‘Donatella’ would meet Sarah and I at Ho rye ya, we would make her put one arm inside her shirt and talk about her feelings toward piano’s.

I have been so lucky to have Sarah in my Life. In our early twenties we were inseparable. Sarah is one of the neatest human beings that I have had the pleasure to love.

I have always admired Sarah. Her humour and crazy sense of fun; the relationships she has with her sisters, the way she cares for her mom, how she puts her relationship with her husband Andy before any other, and how she is raising two well-mannered kids (very rare).

There are few people on this earth who I have laughed long and laughed hard with: My mom, Debbie Mitchel and Vanessa to name a select few. Of course Sarah is at the top of the list! Her and I can also have me in fits of laughter mostly at my expense, but then isn’t that the best source of laughter, when we can laugh at each other, well mostly me in our case.  Although our friends no longer think of us as the duo: Sarah and Calvin because of my intensive travel, I always long for the days when we can just sit back and laugh about something as teeny tiny as my putting “Fluent in Foreign Money Exchange” & “Called all Bingo” on my resume or how I told everyone at her family dinner that “the passport inside of me doesn’t say earth, it says heaven” which received a very confused look of her father Darcy and garnered a new nickname for myself  ‘Alien’.

It is this day, the day that I always seem to forget, that I want to wish my best friend Sarah, a very happy birthday and to pay respect to history, I will be sending her a Barbie ice cream cake.

Pompeii or Rum Punch

Pompeii Today

As I was into my third hour of tours this morning, a guest comes up to me and couldn’t decide whether she should go to Pompeii or do the Amalfi coast by boat tour. After going back and forth with herself, and me never being the one to let the guest come to their own conclusion I told the lady to go to Pompeii as there are several coastlines in this world, but there is only one Pompeii: Pompeii is a city that was buried in Volcanic ash and gasses from Mount Vesuvius which killed the town’s 20,000 population in just a few hours.

After the encounter I realized how much I take for granted. I get to go to these places once a week, but these guests only have one shot at seeing the best of these places. I always forget how much preparation goes into planning a cruise. From the time of booking until the second they step on ship could be an entire year. They buy cruise clothes, book flights and hotels, they research and order tours online, they post endless messages on Facebook counting the days until they leave.

My sister Tammy is one of those people that plans everything way too far in advance. She is very prepared for every major holiday. For example her Christmas tree goes up in November and she brings out the presents that were wrapped in the Summer from her attic; the second she found out what ship I would be on next year, she immediately planned her yearly cruise with me and has given me strict instructions as to what port activities she wants to do and has given her husband’s work the exact dates he needs off (which are for next July). She has found Daycare for her dogs and has gone on line searching for the best flights. I have cautioned her against such advance planning as I have no idea if my company will change my ship or not, but there is no stopping her. Good thing she gets flight insurance.

I am not saying that Tammy is completely high strung, but she is completely high strung, but for some reason when she is cruising she is a very ‘easy to please’ guest. If one of the shore tours don’t pan out, she is fine just sitting on the beach so long as she has a 5 gallon fish bowl full of Rum Punch perched on her lap with a huge straw leading from it so she won’t have to lift it.

Maybe using her as an example isn’t the best as she knows that she will always be able to come and cruise with me without a lot of out of pocket expense except for the flight as she stays in my cabin. But it does remind me how much preparation a person has to go through to get ready for a cruise, for some a Cruise of a lifetime.

My cruise line does have a number of guests that have travelled far over 25 times with us. Take Linda Powell. I have had the opportunity to cruise with her a few times, and am looking forward to seeing her again in November. I am sure her cruise preparation takes far less time now that she has done it for a while. She knows exactly what she wants to take part in (karaoke – cue eye roll), what tours to take, what she will not attend (she still has yet to see the Liars Club), and for a large part she knows the ins and outs of crew life, which is great because it allows me to sit down with her and get some crew drama off my chest.

Whether you are crew family like my sister, Tammy, or part of the carnival family, like Linda Powell, or someone who is prepping their first cruise ever a year in advance, just remember even if you are only drinking rum punch on the beach you are still not at work and you are not making your own bed.

** On another note the 'Perm Poll': 80% of voters say Jo's hair was a perm. Sorry Jo!

Nice and Eze

Yesterday I went to Nice, France which is the newest area France obtained from Italy about 150 years ago. I went with Melody De Dios, Big Daddy John’s personal assistant. She is from Frisco Bay area and I always have so much fun with her – think Margaret Cho crossed with Mr. Myogi crossed with Farah Fawcett.

After Nice, we went to the oldest city in Italy which was also the most prosperous city in Italy for centuries, Eze. It is a medieval city built atop a very high cliff overlooking the bay of angels in Nice. In true Melody form she chose to go to the perfumery at the bottom of the cliff and left me to go to into Eze.

As I walked through the narrow cobblestone sidewalks, and climbed the numerous stairs and passed by plenty of tiny doors I started to feel something very special. I felt as if I was Willow from the movie Willow.

It is amazing how much humanity changes around a medieval city that hasn’t really change that much.

To know that small humans built the incredible city of Eze in 300bc without modern technology and it has lasted until today: A working city is mind boggling.

In today’s modern cities, the skylines tend to change every few years. Something is added, something is taken away and it is easier to do so as today we can build something in the fraction of time.

When I was young I used to think my cities mall was huge. I thought it was the largest building I ever seen. Now as I have grown, I don’t view it as such grandeur (especially after being here in Europe). I guess in turn, not only do my views on my city change as I grow, but the events in my life seem to become less insignificant as I grow.

When I went to my grad, it was the biggest event at the time, and yet now that my younger cousin are graduating I don’t feel it as such a huge ordeal. Not to take anything away from my cousin Ryan. I think it’s a huge event in his life, probably the biggest to date; however, when he grows to be 31 years of age I am sure he would have experienced more great things in comparison.

As I ducked to enter a tiny door that led to a soap merchant I wondered how humans got to be so tall. After smelling several soap scents I settled on something that smelled like cucumbers. I mean it was either cucumbers or lavender and as i was never a favourite of my grandmother, I had to go with the former.

Coming down for Eze, I met melody at the restaurant at the bottom of the hill to have a great goat cheese salad with some 7 euro glass of champagne. Expensive? Yes. But I was with Melody and Melody with a glass of champagne in her system is always fun to be around. It reminds me of another person who is very fun with a few glasses of champagne in her, one Christina Schroeder from my design days. She and I would often have a drink after work and then attempt to re-enact my birth – it never really worked.

As I left the very old city of Eze, I couldn’t help but to wonder how the people who easily fit though the tiny doors and rooms would feel about the giants of today exploring their unchanged city. Would they feel confused as to why their city was so special? Would they feel as if we were violating them? Would they be welcoming? Who knows? What I can tell you, is that if the giants of tomorrow took tours to my cities mall and walk the abandoned food court with awe, I would be completely confused. 

Ryan, right, on his grad night. How he got Ellen
Degeneres to go with him I will never know

Ana, yogrut, and Stanley

Ana when she found out I had the flu

“Another Saturday ruined” Ana said as she stomped her feet finding out that I would be joining her and her parents in the car on the way back from Ikea. I would have rode with her sister, my friend Sarah however she was on her way to her vacation home up in Whistler.

Obviously as she grew up, Ana became friendlier to me, sometimes she would say hi to me without hitting me. There was that set back when she thought I had hid her stuffed animal, Stanley and she threw a punch so hard in my arm I think I can still see the bruise.

I did find out today that we will both be in France tomorrow which proves my point that the world is not such a big place after all. It may look like a huge place when you are standing on a black diamond run atop a whistler peak, talking your way through launching yourself into the depths of a frozen hell that can only end in you in a body cast and all the big kids laughing at you, but in reality it is not such a huge planet.

As Juzzy and Mia and I were moving onto our third bottle of wine outside on the promenade deck, I stared out at the moon’s reflecting dancing on the Mediterranean Sea and started laughing.

Juzzy and Mia joined in on the laughter for what reason, they did not know and being kind of tipsy I did not feel like explaining the time I was in whistler for Sarah’s wedding, going through the McDonald’s drive through where the voice on the other end of the intercom thought I was a woman and called me Ma’am.

Mia had to run to the spa to meet Timmy the musician leaving Juzzy and I by ourselves to go to the night club and dance the cruise away. Opening our fourth bottle of wine, Juzzy decided to go for a cigarette outside leaving me to talk to the very good looking bar waiter named Luca.

Me: so… you’re working the nightclub?

Waiter: Yes.

Me: …Good… so…I like your vest!

Obviously I do not have the gift of the gab and anytime Juzzy would like to come back would be great.

Sarah and I once ended up in a bar in Whistler where I thought I could order Sangria. I could not and the bar tender let me know that by giving me the weirdest look. We spoke in accents all night long and ordered triples to match the tacky stagette that was unfortunately becoming sloppier as the night progressed.   

Finally Juzzy came back and pulled me back on the dance floor, but not before I tried to wink at Luca, but it turned out I was just crossing my eyes. At the end of the night Juzzy and I went up to the Pizza Parlour on Lido deck for a night cap of sorts. I really wasn`t feeling the Phillipino made Pizza so I opened up some yogurt. Taking my first spoonful I started snickering over something ridiculous. Juzzy followed suit of course and asked what was so funny.

Again I didn’t feel like explaining how Sarah convinced Ana when she was 5 that the correct pronunciation of Yogurt was Yogrut and from childhood Ana has always pronounced it as such. I am not sure if she is still calling it Yogrut or not, but one thing I am still sure of: you don’t want to mess with Stanley.

My Big Sis

My Big Sister, Laura on the right.

My pastors, Debbie and Greg Mitchell once taught me that relationship can be messy and that that’s okay. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, but it’s always growing. It is this one single statement that saved my relationship with Christ because I now know that me being human no relationship will ever be perfect, but it will be forever growing.

My sister Laura and I have had an ever changing relationship. Sometimes we find ourselves at odds, even today in our early 30’s, but at the end of the day, we always will have each other’s backs. I love her a ridiculous amount and being on a ship it is sometimes hard to show that.

I have lots of favourite memories of her and I would like to share two of them with you. The first one is when we were both in elementary school and we got a paper route together. In fact we had three paper routes. Route 141 – marshal road & Broadway St.; route 205 – Cordova St.; and the other route number I am unsure of but it covered a very long street called Pandora St. My dad made this HUGE box with wheels to hitch on to the back of my BMX bike and this god awful orange flag. To say the least we were not looking cool. We were kind of embarrassed so we would park the bike and walk most of the route. At the end of the month we would go and collect the money from the clients. She would carry the black money purse and sometimes she would let me wear the purse.

The second memory I always laugh about is when her and I went to McDonald’s for a milkshake dinner, and as we were driving home, we got laughing about our mutual friend Kelly, Laura was laughing so hard that the milkshake came back up and went all over the car’s stick shift. It is truly the one memory that we have that if one of us brings it up, we both fall over laughing.  

You are my sister, we were born
So innocent, so full of need
There were times we were friends but times I was so cruel
Each night I'd ask for you to watch me as I sleep
I was so afraid of the night
You seemed to move through the places that I feared
You lived inside my world so softly
Protected only by the kindness of your nature
You are my sister
And I love you
May all of your dreams come true
We felt so differently then
So similar over the years
The way we laugh the way we experience pain
So many memories
But there's nothing left to gain from remembering
Faces and worlds that no one else will ever know
You are my sister
And I love you
May all of your dreams come true
I want this for you
They're gonna come true; gonna come true

To Perm or not to Perm that is the Question

Being sick in Venice is not the greatest thing in the world, but as my longest friend, Tracy Vines-Gibbons says, it’s better than being sick back in Canada.

Being so bored of bed rest, I decided to walk out my door and crash the dancer’s party that was going strong in Chris’s cabin. At first appearance one would think that Chris liked rainbows and unicorns as he is tall and slender with a wardrobe more tailored then the headquarters at GQ magazine; however he is a definite ladies’ man...most likely.

Along with Chris, there was Holly, who I have worked with for a few contracts. I can honestly say that Holly is like my personal plastic surgeon because whenever I see her my day gets an automatic lift. Positive, fun, I love being around her.

Kendall was also in the room: the girl who has an elegant bohemian style and emits a warm glow whenever she smiles.

On the bottom bunk we have Nathaniel who has quit the company and is counting the days to where he will be arm in arm with his boyfriend back in LA. I have known Nathaniel back when he was dating poultry (or just a guy named Chicken Little – I guess we all have our skeletons – I dated a midget).

Rounding out the peeps was Jo. There are two ways to describe Jo: the first way is the way the world sees her, the second is the way I see her, or used to see her I should say.

It all started innocently enough with me talking about the upcoming birthdays. Leonnie, a host, is turning 25 years old and I commented about how young she was compared to me and Jo and that is when all hell broke loose:

ME: Leonnie is so young compared to me and you, Jo.

JO: How old do you think I am?

ME: I don’t know… 32.

JO: 32!?!

HOLLY: You can’t be serious, Calvyn (not helping me, Holly)

JO: 32!?!

ME: Well, I just figure because of your perm.

JO: WHAT!? You think I have a perm?

ME: Err… It’s not?

HOLLY: O.M.God, Calvyn. (again, not helping me, Holly)

JO: Let me just be clear on this. You think I am 32 with a Perm? I think I am about to cry. Chris hand me those potato chips.

ME: I’m sorry, Jo, I just really thought it was a perm. Now that I know, you don’t look 32.

JO: Oh thanks. 32 and Perm… (Biting into a chip) Ugh, Chris these have no salt.

CHRIS: I'm retaining water. 

Needless to say, I am so happy that Jo is very forgiving. I can say that I probably won’t be able to go over to her and Holly’s cabin for treats anymore, but now that I know her hair is natural, she does look her age of 26!

Now if you will vote for yourself on Jo's hair on the left hand side of the blog... thank you!

Nathaniel, far left, next to him is Chris,  he's a ladies man alright

Vancouver

When I heard that Vancouver Canucks lost to Chicago Bruins 4 touchdowns to 0, I was disappointed. When I got word that there were riots in the streets of Vancouver, I was horrified.

61 people seriously injured, tear gas, looting, arson, 2 police cars overturned. What really gets my blood boiling is that the riots were caused by the low class vermin that come from the surrounding communities. I don’t know about you, but when my sports team doesn’t win, I don’t go around smashing store windows in, I may crush a few bags of chips in the snack aisle at Safeway in order to vent, but flipping police cars? What the hell is wrong with these people?!

By nature we are animals trying to live in an organized society, but I don’t see polar bears flipping over icebergs or beavers getting up in each other’s dams.

Vancouver has been voted the second best city on earth to live in and is obviously not immune to vandals and as I look at photos taken of the riots it looks as if the city is suspended in a post-apocalyptic time warp. Let’s look at a photo shall we?

Alright, well I have to go now, I just got word that the food and beverage department just kicked the entertainment department's ass in a soccer game up at sports square, and so I am going to go a ransack the gift shop!

My Sheero

When I was younger, I had the worst birthday party ever. I was four or eight or something and my mother had hired a pony to give rides at my party. Well these ponies are NEVER in good condition. This one dropped dead. It wasn’t much after that. One kid would sit on it, while the rest of us would drag it around in a circle. Mommy had to get her money’s worth.

Of course my mom and I look back and laugh about the debacle that was my party. We also look back and laugh about her grounding me for two weeks when I told her I wasn’t a ladies man.

I am so lucky that my mom has a sense of humour because otherwise I don’t think we would get along so well, even though sometimes my stories that involve her cause her deep embarrassment.  Take the time that I took a photo of her and my aunt Sharon with me to college and told everyone that it was my two moms. When she came to visit me one weekend it didn’t take her long to figure out what I had done. I guess it wasn't that hard to do so when everyone in my dorm asked where her wife was or how lucky I was to be raised by two moms. My mom was not impressed with me, meh; I graduated with honours with a degree in microbiology, so she couldn’t stay mad at me for long.

So now that you have a bit of understanding of my conservatively liberal mother, you can imagine my excitement knowing that my mom and Aunt Sharon are coming to cruise. I am tempted to have the ‘my two moms’ prank resurface for old times’ sake, but I figured it would not be as much fun. Not as much fun as letting everyone know the absolute truth about my mom: my mom is like the white Oprah, she’s Woprah! I am sure that most kids feel this way about their mothers, and I won’t bore you with the 1001 reasons why my mom is a classic nominee for saint-hood, but I will say that as she is the one who is responsible for a few key things in my life: my relationship with JC, her annoying, yet appreciated constant reminders to call my dad once a week, and her encouraging me to come back to ships when I was so lost I ran away to Mexico with a midget (long story),

Yes it is safe to say that my mom is my sheero. I love her and I cannot wait until she is on board.

Waiting in Vain

I have never been able to stay quiet for very long and as hard as I try to meditate, for whatever reason the theme song to Mr. Belvedere always plays in my head.

So you can imagine my utter delight when I had the opportunity to go to the Montserrat Monastery just outside of Barcelona, Spain where I would be forced to be silenced by the pressure of silence itself.

Listening to the Gregorian chanting monks whilst staring at the Black Madonna a wave of calm washed over me and as I started really listening to my inner being I realized it was telling me I had to go pee real, real bad.

Classic Calvyn; I could be at a dinner party with Jesus Christ himself and in the middle of him clarifying the importance of fleas, my bladder would be forcing me to rudely leave the table.  Not that I think Jesus would mind at all, I mean he did create me so he must know that my bladder flows often, but it is just highly inconvenient. 

As the rush came over me, I was desperate to find the water closet, I couldn’t very well ask anyone as they were all listening to the chant and the odd monk I saw, I couldn’t ask as they spoke no English, or they had taken a vow of silence themselves. I guess I could have charade it out; however I was not ballsy enough to stand in front of a random silent monk, cross my legs, put my hands over my area, bob up and down, and have a grimace on my face. I just could not do it.

Passing by a water fountain, I did take a split second to see if anyone was watching, but then my conscious took the best of me, and I thought it could be holy water.

In the meantime I could hear the Gregorian chant crescendo and I was very irritated that I could not fully envelope myself in the sanctity of the experience. 

In the end I ended up looking at a random statue of a man dressed in armour. He was pointing to the left, and so I took his advice and veered left where I saw a woman’s water closet but no mens. I went in. Meh… what is the worst that could happen. Thank goodness it was empty to begin with.

Because my head was sticking up over the stalls, I had to sit to pee, not such a big deal at all, but then the Gregorian chant let out, and all of the sudden this one deserted, desolate water closet was full to the brink. I was stuck in the stall. I had no moves. I had to stay in the center stall for the entirety of the line. I could not imagine, nor did I want to imagine what people were thinking about the “woman” in the center stall. It is amazing what pops in your head waiting in a bathroom stall for 45 minutes:

Thank you for being a friend

Down the road and back again

Your heart is true

You’re a pal and a confident.

And if you threw a party,

Invited everyone you knew,

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

Thank you for being a friend.

Graceland?

As Mia and I were making our way through Princess Grace’s Palace in Monaco, I happen to voice a thought I should have kept in my head.

ME: This is probably what Graceland is like

MIA: Are you serious, you Muppet?

Now even Mia, being from the United Kingdom, knew how dumb of a statement it was. Comparing silk lined walls edged in cording and lined with centuries old oil paintings to a place that houses a Velvet Elvis was kind of ridiculous; I guess I am lucky I only voiced one thought.

Later that night I got a page from Big Daddy, John, to accompany him for dinner. I love my boss. He really is the greatest cruise director out there. He is Nurturing, he is caring, and he is the first person to ask if everything is alright. He is a friend, and it crushed me when I had to turn down his offer when he asked me to do the next brand new ship next year. For the sake of our friendship I really wanted to go with him; however for the sake of my career, I had to accept my full Assistant Cruise Director Promotion.  Although November is a long time away yet, I want to spend as much time with him as possible, not as a boss, but as a friend.

We ordered the usual from the Pub on Board: Wings for him and Conch salad for me, before settling down to a great conversation:

Big Daddy John: What’s up Gay Lord?

Me: Nothing much Big Daddy.

BDJ: I told you not to call me that for god sake, it makes you sound like you’re my boy toy. I told you I’m not gay.

Me: You can do a lot worse than Calvyn Sean Champagne -Martens.

BDJ: Love you

Me: Love you

The bantering between John and I will be something I miss deeply, and even though he won’t admit it to my face I know he will miss it as well.

After leaving the Pub I jumped into a closing guest elevator and ran into Mia who was going for dinner.  I decided to come along. We would have called Juzzy, but she was back in Scotland going to her friend Muriel’s Wedding. Mia ordered her usual three orders of steak fries while I munched on some cherry tomatoes. I was tired from the day and I so I came up and went to bed.

As I was falling asleep, I was thinking about how much my life had changed in the last year and a half. I had gone from complete desecration to slowly climbing my way up to the top once again. Much Like Princess Grace I suppose.  

Not a Moment too soon.

A great cruise director once told me that it was important to marinate in the moment in which I am living.  Now I must be honest and say he didn’t use the word ‘marinate’, it would be to…’artistic’ for his liking and considering that he is constantly wearing three day old underwear, he won’t be making bids at Christie’s art house any time soon.

He is right; however, at times I don’t live in the moment. I remember when I used to live in the moment. I remember being in the moment every second of figure skating practice or interpretive dance lessons in which my dad made me practice in the garage with the car running.

I remember when I used to live inside every moment when I was working at KFC. It was a job I remember fondly as it was KFC that instilled a great work ethic in me. I had just been fired from the local Dairy Queen, which was ironic as I thought Dairy Queen was the mother ship calling me home, and so going for an interview with KFC I was a wee bit gun-shy.  I really wanted KFC to like me enough to hire me so I thought what better way to secure my triumph then to bring up the word ‘chicken’ as often as possible throughout the interview. It went something like this:

Tracy Vokins (Manager): How are you today, Calvyn?

Me: Just Clucky. (What does that even mean?)

TV: What is your best asset?

Me:  my need for chicken. (This showed her I wasn’t a vegan)

TV: what is your weakness?

Me:  fried chicken basked in 12 secret ingredients. (This showed her my love of the KFC product)

TV: What do you do for fun?

Me: Chicken Catch. (LIE, but it showed her I was not a member of PETA – I am one now)

TV: are you available weekends?

Me: Do chickens fly? (Trying to show her I was fluent in the Chicken’s behavioural habits)

YV: I… don’t really know.

Me: I’m available weekends.

This launched my many years making above minimum wage as well working with all seniors when I was a junior was so cool because I had no friends in high school (my mother once told me Rosemary had a better baby) and now I was having the cool seniors saying hi to me in the hallways.  

Because there was no need for me to advance or be promoted, it was easy to live in the moment. I can still remember my first car. I was suited up in my maroon (maroon is a deep red/purple for those of you who are not familiar with the color wheel) low thread count shirt and polyester pants dividing the two was my battery pack and I pressed the call button:

Me: Hello welcome to Kenfucky Fried Chicken,  my name is Calvyn how can I help you?

Car: Hey how many pieces come in a ten piece meal?

Me: I think it’s nine, but let me go check. (I was already saving the company money)

Car: ‘k I’ll take that.

Me: Would you like any hot gravy for your fresh fries (I was not required to put in descriptive words, it was my version of the mint on the pillow).

Over the years I got very comfortable with my job. Sometimes I would tell customers that we were out of French fries, but we have German Fries standing at attention.  Other times I would convince the cars that we ran out of chicken, but we managed to get our hands on pigeon.  I always got in trouble for the pigeon prank, but it was so worth it because in the moment it was hilarious and who would really believe such RIDICULOUSNESS and complain about me? The one Latvian family that lived in my town, that’s who!

At present, I am still living by Tracy Vokins’ words “treat everybody how you want your mother to be treated” and I do… most of the time.  Take having a guest throwing their sail and sign card at me when leaving the ship yesterday and telling me to go ______ myself. Well first of all, my mother would NEVER say such a thing, so in such a case I let my wit take over and simply stated “that’s why I’m learning yoga ma’am”. 

But at the end of every day on the ship, I dream of being something greater within the helm of Carnival Cruise Lines. I dream of taking the Cruise Director Chair and leaving my mark on a ship. Dreaming is good, but it takes you out of the moment.  Sometimes I get so focused on advancing I become very intense, I forget to share a laugh with my team, or dance my interpretive dance – ‘The Lifecycle of a Leaf’ as if no one is watching.

So maybe what I will begin doing is do something every day that is just so ridiculous, I have no choice, but to be in the moment. Maybe tomorrow I will sneak into the captain’s quarters and hide under his bed until he is sound asleep and then pull myself out with my arms and say repeatedly in a shaky Katherine Hepburn-esque voice “My legs! My legs! Give me back my legs!”