Faggot

Today a guest wearing a Cowboys sweater yelled in my face, ‘faggot’! I wasn’t expecting it and I was surprised at how it shook my insides. I was so caught off guard I just said ‘I’m sorry?’ like I wanted him to repeat it. He then followed it up by saying that my feminine voice was making him and his wife uneasy…What does that even mean?!? I mean I don’t even speak with a lisp… but I was a low alto in concert choir in high school… ahh how proud my dad must’ve been.

It is rare that I encounter such hatred and quite frankly now that I think of it, I am surprised that on a ship of many cultures (although mostly American) that I haven’t more often.

In my opinion, it’s not what you say; it’s how you say it and who you say it too. My roommate E-Dawg for instance always calls me ‘big gay bastard’ and because I have a good rapport with him and I know that we have a genuine care for each other (not in a gay way – he’s seeing a girl whose name rhymes with... Baloney) I take no offence. My sparkle friend Sarah calls me Francine and sometimes homo, and yet with the reasons listed above it doesn’t even phase me. I in turn have nicknames for them as well: for Erik I call him ‘Big Straight Bastard’ and for Sarah I call her... Sara...with NO 'H'

We have all known when we are being talked about in a negative way and we have all had people come up to us and say something negative about us.  I have had someone come on the dance floor once in the disco of a ship and told me that she was repulsed by my lifestyle to which I responded that I was repulsed by her corduroy skirt. To me it was just her being ignorant and not hateful and so I was able to respond appropriately. 

Yesterday, however, the stare of this man was filled with hate and it shook me and made me feel for the first time in a long time… ashamed and hurt. Ashamed that I allowed the word 'faggot' hold so much power and hurt because I have always been a bit sensitive about my low alto voice even though it IS what got me my solo in the Christmas Eve Concert of ’98 – Thank you Ms. McDonald.

I am 31 and very comfortable with most areas of my life, my sexuality being one of them, in fact, I rarely even talk about it as for me it is a non issue, and of course I would never let a guest such as this let me think differently of myself, however; it is a clear reminder of how much power words can hold.

The word Faggot stayed with me all day yesterday as did the pitch of my voice. I couldn’t and wouldn’t let it go. I couldn’t even run it off at the gym. Today, however; I won’t give faggot the power it had over me yesterday and if I see that guest today maybe I will give him a huge hug and ask him if he has a son… maybe not.