Awkward in Miami

Waking up this morning with a phone call from friend and founder of Viscount Maritime (see side bar) was a very pleasant way to start the morning. Even if it was at 5am.

The fact that I fell asleep last night immediately after I phoned my mom had no bearing on how tired I was this morning.  And as a side note can I just ask how many of my followers (of my blog) actually use the luggage stands in their hotel rooms? Bloody hell, every time I am at a hotel (which has been three times in the last week) my mom calls and tells me to make sure not to put my luggage on the bed on account of the bed bugs.  This goes back to a special report ABC ran on the news magazine program 20/20 where they had a group of microbiologists discover how dirty hotel rooms were. Now I might add that this 20/20 special aired when Hugh Downs co-hosted with Bawbwa Walters and if you don’t recall Hugh Downs on 20/20 or have no clue who he is, my point is proven!  - I love you mom. Sorry I could not call today, like promised, you’re my number 1 gal, but with all due respect, the hotel accommodations are not that shabby for Mr. Calvyn.

Kelly’s early morning phone call got me in the shower, and after tentatively planning a trip to London where she resides during my mandatory reprieve from European cruising I am even more exciting for my Italiano adventure.

As I was coming out of the…shower, the hotel phone was ringing and it was Kris from the Miami office. He asked me to come in and hang out until my flight. Seeing that I have never been to the office I thought it a good opportunity to meet the beards and leave them with a good impression.  So equipped with black and white head shots of myself that included my bio on the back, I left the hotel room for a little bit of office space.

{Alright, I have to tell you that right now I am in the airport drinking Coors Light at a bar and sitting next to me is my Aunt Josephine Violet’s twin. She keeps looking at me weird because every time I look over at her I automatically lift my feet in the air thinking that she is going to run a vacuum under my chair – Josephine Violet (whose nickname is buttons – butts for short) was the first desperate housewife and used to vacuum four times a day and heaven forbid your clothes had lint}

As I came into the office Kris galloped to greet me with a resounding hug and promptly ushered me into the office of KC the VP of Entertainment and a few other VIP.  Caught off guard I became my signature awkward self and immediately shook their hands and said “How excited are you to meet me right now, I am sure you have heard A LOT about me!” They shared chuckle and that’s when I should have sat down, but why would I do the normal, socially responsible thing?  Instead I proceeded to hand out my B&W head shots of me after I signed them with the sharpie that was sitting on his desk!!!!  They didn’t know what to do and there was a bit of an awkward silence (as there should have been as they are normal people living in the real world void of blue belles, glitter rainbows, and unicorns) so trying to recover I said “Don’t mind me, I’m a result of not having a dad who enforced sports…well unless you call synchronized swimming a sport!” having a deep chuckle, both important men asked me how the rope course was and the rest is history as my awkward veil had lifted and we had a great chat about everything under the sun.

Eventually it was my time to leave and head to the airport. My cab driver and I had a peaceful discussion about Jesus Christ and after buying Tina Fey’s book and a few magazines, I am ready to say good bye to North America and hello to the land of Spaghetti and ice cream, and as they say in Italy, Chow Amigo!... ‘sigh’  they’re gonna hate me over there!

[Mom please read no further: Alright, I came within 30 seconds of missing my flight. I am safely in the air right now, but hokey dina. I could have sworn the girl at the counter said 5:30, not 4:30… good thing I left the pub when I did… alright the girl in the row across from me is a 12 year old version of my level one friend Jayne Rae Saretsky only this girl has braces… bless her heart… anyway, 4 beer and bored. I am kinda embarrassed for being the last one onboard, but I think I will give all the flight attendants a B&W photo of me… good thing I swiped the sharpie!}

Learning the Ropes - Alternate title: Ridiculous!

Because a picture is worth a thousand words, let me show you what I am doing in Detroit:

And...

(sigh) and...

Could I just say: Ridiculous.

The morning started early enough with all 8 of us climbing into our small van. Looking like we were all going berry picking, we drove the 12 miles to the rope course where we began training on how to use the course and learning how to train people to use it. The fact that I am afraid of heights is one thing, I can handle that, but then to walk out on a tight rope and look cool doing it is a very tall order... a very tall order. I can't even look good doing a downward dog pose in my LuLu Lemons. Amanda, our instructor put the harnesses on everyone: Ted (from head office) - red harness; Kristy (from head office) - red; Nick - red; Christian - red; Ryan - red; Eli - red; Calvyn (me) - Blue. Now I know that I am heavier at this current date, but I am not obese, none the less it kinda hits home when I am the only...wait...no Josh is getting a blue harness as well and he's a rail... alright, good it must be a tall thing. whew...I guess I can have the lemon slice in my bag even though it's almost two weeks old...oh wait it has milk in it.

Over the course of two days I belayed and negotiated unstable ropes and beams and had a blast. I think this now qualifies me as a jock. Tonight we went out for dinner with Amanda, our instructor, to thank her for certifying us in the Operator Trainer course and now we are equipped to run the one and only rope course ever on a cruise ship! How exciting!... I am so scared.

Tomorrow I fly to Rome and I am so excited to start this new leg.

See you soon.

Dorothy Malone & the Fig Tree

Today as I walked off my ship at 7:30am, I realized I am embarking on an extremely rare adventure, starting up a brand new ship in a country where ice cream has no nutritional information on the side of their cups and pasta does not come from a box on aisle 9. Of course it all kicks up in Detroit; however before the adventure officially starts, I want to reflect on todays mini adventure with a few friends that I met on the Cruise ship this week. Kim, Danny, and Bruce were guests from the city of angels and I became quite chummy with them over the course of the sailing. What better way to spend an entire day in LA then with folks that are from here:

Let me tell you the great fun we had:

They picked me up from the Hilton Hotel (...fancy!) as soon as they left the port and thus our day began. The very first thing to do? Go to their Cousin June's house to trade the Camry in for the convertible. What was special about this was that June lived in the very bungalow where famed ''Golden Age of Hollywood" Oscar winning actress Dorothy Malone lived (http://finemoviesonline.net/mag/dorothy-malone)... whom I am a huge fan, I mean who could forget her unforgettable turn in such classics as: 'Written in the Wind' and 'Tarnished angles'. If you have not seen these movies, you will want to. The surprise ending in Written in the wind will shock you to the core!

Kim stands by a non fig tree in front of Dorothy Malone's house

The next thing on the "must see" list according to Bruce was the "largest fig tree in the world" and seeing it was absolutely amazing... at 25 mph! It was lush and green and very whimsical. I know what you are thinking: "What's the big deal about a fig tree" and to that I reply "I am from Canada where we don't have fig trees, let alone the largest one in the world" - thank you Bruce for showing me the tree - we will always have 'our' tree.

Next on the list of course was Venice Beach and it was AWESOME. Not since Vancouver's Commercial Drive, have I marinated in such eccentricities. There was a guy dressed like a Baghdad-ian moses playing the electric guitar on roller blades and a street performer who jumped on broken glass...and of course The Zoltan fortune teller machine as seen in the movie 'Big'... I put my dollar in and wished I was small, we will have to see tomorrow morning when I wake up to see if it worked.

After Venice we toured Beverly Hills. Bruce of course was being hounded by the two back seat drivers, Kim and Danny to quit stopping in the middle of the road so he could show me different species of plants such as the Babalogicista shrub and said others. Bruce pointed out the ladies with towels hanging from their mouths by simply saying "botox". That's when I created the game 'Punch Botox no returns".

Finishing our day at the famous Barney's Beanery where Bruce treated us all to a fantastic lunch before heading to Sprinkles for a vegan red velvet cupcake. Unfortunately I had to head back to my hotel for rest and preparation for my red eye flight to Detroit (can you think of anything worse?).

I just want to say to my new friends from LA: Thank for a great day. To come off a cruise and take me out all day before even going home, was so generous. It was a great unexpected day and aren't those the best. Every time I eat a fig newton...shoot are those vegan...probably not...every time I see a fig newton, I will think of our fig tree - the largest in the world!

The Drunken Vegan

Right, let me start by saying that I completely fell off the Vegan train yesterday and the day before. Am I worried? Do I feel ashamed... no, I don’t. It’s part of my journey.

It all started with a Vodka Red bull with the cruise director, Phil. Then a second. By the time 2:30pm rolled around I was feeling very buzzed, but on a good note, I did the best mini golf competition of my career. Having Vodka reminded me of why I don’t drink Vodka. It affects me differently than red wine does. In fact it affects my Cousin Karen differently too. Well, Karen it affects Karen worse as she becomes Uncle Eddie and believe me, no one wants to be like Uncle Eddie.

At any rate that night for dinner I skipped the chick pea for a slice of pizza. I know, I know. Pizza! I guess I shouldn’t drink anything until I have been a vegan for a lot longer in order for my convictions to become a part of me. It was really good pizza though. Deep dish, 4 cheeses, Sausage with scrambled eggs on top…wait…no…sorry that is what I had for breakfast the morning after on account of the Vodka Hangover. How do people drink vodka? Ugh… never again.

So today I go on my merry way continuing my vegan journey and tomorrow night I leave for Detroit. I started to pack and discovered the Lemon Cake Slice I bought last week at the airport. It is very stale, but continues to find my bag an area of refuge.